Luscious Sealed Lips

Chaotic Peace

2012-01-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

Bad Dreams come to us all. We all wake up in the middle of the night to look around for comfort. To take us in our arms and calm our fears down. Why do bad dreams scare us so much? Because it is in your sleep that your conscience fully awakens, answering all your questions in semiotic forms. Mine do too.

"CT!"
"Tell me"
"What?"
"Nothing. Just wanted a Hug then."
"Aaaww."

CT is still missed. He still fucks my head. I still wait for my phone to beep to see his name flash. He is missed. But not longed. Maybe not loved either.

Funny, how we wish for someone in our lives just to boost our self esteems. Funny how we want them just to comfort ourselves with a thought of having someone. You may not want them, yet you do, for reasons that are complex. That someone for me is CT.

When CT happened, I knew exactly what this was. I knew it will end with a kiss at the break of dawn. We continued to act all mushy, staying in touch. Flirting. Loving. That too came to an end with unsettling emotions and conversations. Sometimes it feels like it vanished in a whiff. Maybe it did, but why did I not feel a jerk. Instead, I felt anger. Anger at being rejected like this. Anger at not getting an upper hand. Anger at not getting a chance at massaging my ego. But then, when have I?

In all the past months, of all the men have come and gone, I have been the door mat. I have been the foolish one hoping to make it work, even when I actually did not want to. Probably because I wanted a stable relationship more than the person.

No point in self victimizing and lying to yourself. Lets face it - In the deepest and darkest of the corners of my heart what it all was. It was all a sham. They all, just temporary comforts. There is indeed a comfort, a morale boost in being longed. In being wanted, but not giving. That piece was missing. As much as I wanted to reach that stage, I ended up being on the other end. Or at least making them believe so.

All of these men probably think I long for them, when I do not. All of these men would probably think at some point in their lives, I loved them (or at least I hope they do), when I did not. Love, my friend, is a funny game.

So many of you said in the last post, I need a change. A new set of friends. A new city. I too thought that would do the trick, but not until you make those minor changes in self. Everybody in Every city are the same, if you are. And everybody in the same city change, if you do.

I have spent too much time looking for love, finding some awesomely wrong ones, made some terrible mistakes. Felt used, hurt, special, cheated and more, all in the meanwhile. But this is part of the process. It is what takes you closer to what you really have and value it.

Unlike all these men, G is home. Times when I really look for a clue if 'true love' and 'stability' exist, all I do is shut my eyes and bury myself in G's arms. G is where I find true comfort. G is home. Its now I understand why I broke up with G. To really know and understand what I had. And luckily, I have not lost.

"Are you officially dating that girl from your office now?"
"No. But we go out."
"Then date her no, dumb-dumb."
"No point. Her parents are looking for boys for her. Plus I have no intentions of marrying for another 5-6 years."
"Oh! So if I do not find anybody after 5-6 years, I can still flirt with you."
"Ofcourse! You are THE WOMAN in my life."

How stupid was I to let this man slip who would be around, holding me, stabilizing me, loving me, encouraging me, holding my hand even when his body and mind are completely occupied by the television set in front of his eyes. This is love. This is a relationship. I have never ever even been able to imagine a life like that with any other man. The thoughts have never gone beyond your typical teenage love dreams. Maybe a little more when it came to BG and CT. BG was too good a friend to question any comfort. It was easy to think of comfortable times with him because he was a great friend. CT, guess it was the timing. The peak of desperation to get out of the mess that all other men created and finding love in that stranger. But the truth is, CT was never comfort. BG was the comfort, you find in friends. G, is home!

Now, why would I not get back to G?

Its simple, actually. He is that one man I would never want to hurt in my life. He is that only man who has earned my respect and trust through and through. I would not do ANYTHING on this planet to fuck with his head ever again. I have done that enough. Not again.

I truly love him for what he is. And I respect him, more than anything else. What if I change my mind? What if an external factor makes it difficult? Just, what if it is not to work out again? Then, what? My relationship with G is so special to me that I would not want it loosing its real essence with a second chance. Like an awesome movie fucking it up with a squeal. G is special. And to treasure it and have it all my life, I will save it under a secret place, where no one can find it. I Love you G. (I had not said that in so long!)

Now, my current status on Love, Sex and Relationships?

Love - May or May not happen. No hurry, any more. No point looking cause you only end up finding the wrong ones. The right one will walk upto you just be alert enough to recognize it.

Relationships - They do not just happen. They need hard work from both ends. You are only ready for it when you are willing to trust, love and share a life. Maybe I am not ready for that yet.

Sex - Oh! How badly I should be getting laid right now. And ofcourse ask the man to fuck off after I have orgasmed. (Ego Boost? Remember?)

I have found my peace in this chaos. You would not know what peace is, till chaos comes. You would not know what love is, till hurt and rejection happen. You will not know what sex is, till you have had a long dry spell.

Am I back? Or Am I back? My Lovelies, I throw my arms at you for a BIG HUG and a BIG KISS. (Like G and I always said. ;))

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am not going to stop looking around. I am not going to stop making the mistakes I have. I am going to live, learn and have fun. I am not going to attach myself to anybody just because I need that 'comfort'. And you understand this only after you have discovered what you were actually looking for.

Pieces of the Heart

2011-11-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.

Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.

I said this in the previous post 'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.

Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.

K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.

K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.

It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever."
"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."
"Hhhmm." (So buy able!)
"You can go say Hi!"
"I don't want to."
RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.

F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.
"I thought I saw you at this place."
"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."
"I met your friend, K too."
"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"
"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."
"Oh!"
"Why did you not say Hi to me?"
"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."
"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."
"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."

I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.

Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.

He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.

S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.

S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.

I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"
"I do not want to talk about it."
He held me and kissed me again.
"I miss being loved."
And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.

We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.

We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.

F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." Like I would let him in?
"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."
"What about people who are already hurt, L?"
"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."
I walked out on him, forever.

In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me 'Strangers in the Night' and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.

This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.

It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.

Love Sex and Friends.

2011-08-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.

Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!

RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.

K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.

"RH and I kissed!"
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah...."
"No, I could not hear you."
"RH and I kissed."
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah..."
"WTF dude!"
"I know."
We laugh.

I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.

"RH and K kissed."
"Whaaat?"
After a pause.
"I am not surprised."
Awkward silence.
"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."
"Well..."
"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"
"Then you should tell her that..."
"Now? When she has already kissed him?"
"Before she sleeps with him."
"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."
"Then your friendship is fucked up."
"No."
"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."
"Then tell her no..."
"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."
"WTF are you talking?"
"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."
"What?"

K Calling.

"Are you mad at me?"
"Why?"
"Cause you know... RH and me..."
"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"
"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."

"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."
"You are not being a true friend."
"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."
"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."
"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."
"You guys are fucked up."
"So be it."

I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.

She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.

"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
"Lol. Finally realized?"
"This whole equation is fucked up man."
"Well... That it is."
"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
"LOL."
RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
"Just for the record, YOU AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING KISSING THE SAME MAN EVER AGAIN."
Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.

"Whats up?"
"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."
"Where are you?"
We were apparently very close.
"I will seriously come over."
"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."
"But damn. I really need a smoke."
"And I really need a sandwich."
"What do we do?"
"Argh. Just come man!"
He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.

I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
"Thank you. And you are really sweet."
"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
"You remember I am married and have two kids."
"I will still take my chances."
":)"
"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
"You must go."
"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
"No. :P"
"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."
"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."

The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Its late."
"I know."
"You must go."
"Hhmm."
"So?"
"Stop being an Asshole."
He leaned in and kissed.

Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.

When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.

"Date him, L."
"K, This is going to end with a fuck."
"I think he likes you."
"K, No."
"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."
"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
We laughed.
"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."
"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."
"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."

I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?

I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.

May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for Sulagna , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.

The Typical Indian Male

2011-06-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!"
":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."
"Long conversation... man!"
Message delivered to K.

I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.

I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.
"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."
I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.

"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."
I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.

I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it. So instead I turn around and well almost did it from behind.

There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his 'mardangi'. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.

"When was the last time you did it?"
He smirked, "Eight months."
"Fuck! That's long!"
"You?"
"Two weeks.."
An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"
-100
I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause I'm a guy!"
-1000000000000000000 Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.
"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"
"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."
"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?"
I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.

10 minutes later...

"Do you have an ashtray?"
"No."
I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.
"Its a no smoking room."
Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?
"Oh! You're allergic?"
"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."
"I'm glad I don't live here."
I lay back in digress.
"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"
Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?

Back to the wall.
Final calculation of his points.

1) Picked up - +10.
2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.
3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.
4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - 'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' -500.
5) Made the first move - +50.
6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.
7) Smelt great - +300.
8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.
9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.
10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.
11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.
12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that. -100.
13) Could not figure out the damn hole - Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, "TC! My hole! I'd know better!" - -100000.
14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.
15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man! -10000000.
16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP? - -100000.
17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing! -10000000.
18) Eight months of no sex - -100 Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.
19) Oh Shit! How could I forget this one! Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.
20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 How Typical of Men!

PHEW!

Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!

That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!

G = Catch!
RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.
TC = Thumbs down!

Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.

Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)

Out of Reach!

2011-02-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been hard to reach

I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eminem-lyrics/beautiful-lyrics.html]
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

- Eminem - Beautiful

I just had to write a post today, even if it meant without will. Without will? Yes. I am no more in that 'love' zone. I am back in the 'I do not believe in love' zone of mine.

I was out on a date day before with the guy who had been asking me out for the last six months now. Finally I agreed and went. There was nothing natural about it. I had to force myself to strike a conversation on phone, sms, chat and not so much in person, thankfully, but I did not leave with a feeling. I could feel allot in common but it was just a meeting and back.

I see people talking of love, losing, breaking hearts, being heart broken, being love struck, but by the end of the day it all seems so dramatic, just so made up. Nothing seems real. Everything so forced. So many of us want partners just because it is hard to see others holding someone lovingly and you have no one to. Is this real love? No. It has to be natural. I am still very conservative about such things. If it does not make you feel like leaving the world behind, it is not worth it. Which is why I love Dips, honestly, the only woman I think who hangs on to true love and lives by it. She is my girl from old love lorn literature. Hugs!

Love, today for me has become an over rated emotion. Too much chase, for what? For mostly feeling confused, finding nothing in it, rather letting it be because we think love will find its own route. I guess I am not even making sense, because I have just lost all my interest in that feeling called love, have no opinions about it too. Its just one of those things flashing on News Channels tickers 24*7, people love to discuss but have nothing discreet to say or do about it. Guess, I am just a wrong person for love, now.

I have no option but to believe and I do without compulsion, 'I am not meant for relationships'. Life is so much more, but then, I see no point in anything. I almost feel dead. There just seem to be no emotions in me. No hurt. No love. No insecurity. No surety. Its all just a phase, but love has been lost. It may try to reach me, but I see it coming and then turn my back to it. I don't even know what love really is. Its just weird. Lets just say, I will never admit to it. Since I was a kid, I have never admitted crushes and attractions even to the closest of my friends. Because I thought this was being made up by me. I never let myself lose enough to allow it to be natural. I probably have not grown up or the pattern was so repeated that it has become me, now.

Forget about admitting, I do not feel it in me anymore. Not like, there maybe something on my mind which maybe taking up more space, but it just is not there. There is nothing in it. Love is lost. True love, for me does not exist. Relationships are selfish.
We want to be loved - Selfish.
We want a shoulder to cry on - Selfish.
We want to come home to a loving person - Selfish.
We want to be understood - Selfish.
We want to .... Blah!
And when we are too willing to give, we become Selfless and frustrated in the relationship.

WTF is this? I have forgotten all my lessons. I have no clue about this. And at this point of time in my life, I don't want to. Its like that boring subject, you want to bunk all classes of.

I do not want to fall in a love trap. I do not want to love. I do not want 'love' coming my way, even more. It makes me want to try and I hate putting so much effort in something that should be as natural as the growth of wild flowers is. Having said this, I am not losing all my hope. One day, it will come to me, and that day I will not know what I have but we will be 'in love' swinging on the seesaw of emotions, of selfishness and selflessness. We will never get bored. We will fly. We will come down. And the ride will be a beautiful one, one of ups and downs, one of freedom, content and LOVE.

Dear Love, we will meet someday, hopefully. :)

Happy Valentines Day!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

In the Name of Love!

2010-12-31T11:56:00.001-08:00

Exactly 365 days back, at this very moment, G and I were making love to each other. We kissed at 12 at the deck as fancy ships sailed and firecrackers filled the sky. We stopped the moment we saw the first cracker go in the air. We knew it was 12. It was what we were here for. We turned. Held each other lovingly and kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of all times. It was my first 'New Year's Kiss'. The quite candle light dinner and the long walk on the deserted roads of Panjim had set the mood. We got to our room and kissed. A New Year Bang was obvious, but that is not what followed. We got into the blanket to get cosy and switched to 'Sex and the City'. Without any further guesses, I finished the movie for the third time now and he was fast asleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent, like many of us do, while sleeping. I kissed his cheek and whispered Happy New Year! He kind of woke up and we kissed. It was not the 'I will enter you, as the new year enters' thing as he joked, but a slightly delayed sex plan., which definitely was one of the most beautiful year beginnings I ever had (ofcourse not just the sex but everything.)

And that probably is my last happy memory of the year gone by. After which came a phase. A phase that I still can not explain to people, but all I realized after that was that I just dont need anybody or anything. All I needed was something I couldnt find or even know till the last day of the year. That phase led to probably one of the most bizarre break ups anyone may have seen. A perfect relationship breaking on the basis of it being too perfect? A partner's niceness being tested to such heights? I messed up. I screwed up with G. Sometimes I think, maybe all this mess was self created or uncalled for, but then I realize, what looks clean on the surface may not necessarily be clear in all corners. And my hidden closets had opened and poured out all the mess.

Amidst all this, I realized there was only one man I wanted to confide into. Only one man whom I wanted to pour my confusion out to. Probably I knew he would definitely hear or was it the comfort of a stranger you dont know that leads to such out pour? Or was it just this unknown beautiful friendship developing. Don't know about either, because what I did was something completely different. I would have never done that and probably will not repeat it too, but it was this LSL reader whom I began depending on. Meeting BG was rather natural, like meeting an old friend. People raised eyebrows, answered questions about his sudden appearance, to everyone around me. It was an awkward entrance in my life, according to others, since it happened just a few days after my break up. We met and all we spoke about was G and his stupid ex. We went on to become what we were meant to be, the greatest of friends.

BG, is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in 2010. He was a good decision. I met his friends, he met mine. It all fell naturally and it was so nice. I dont think I am going to come across another man in my life who is going to be such a mirror image of mine, as he is, and yes BG, you bloody well admit that too. :P I was with him, what I have never been, not even with G or anyone else in my life. I was completely emotionally dependent on him. And I guess that is what flooded my Twitter account. There was that phase when I was cranky, irritated and annoyed to the core to realize I could fall for this LOSER of a friend of mine. I hated myself, but hated him even more for getting this out of me. He just knows me too well to not have gotten it, anyway, and that was the first and the last time we spoke about it. Today, he is about to get married!

When I look back at this, I realized it was not 'falling' for him. It was just getting used to him. Just getting overtly dependent on him. It was the concern in his text during my pregnancy scare, it was the repeated 'we will take care of the situation' that calmed me down. It was indeed his stupidity that has helped me cope through the year in whatever little ways. I got screamed at by him for several things but this pregnancy scare was the worst of them all, the worst day of my life. It was nothing but the guilt of no protection.

2010, the year of my first One Night Stand. A massive fight at home. A stressful time at work. A room full of friends during the worst time of the year led to a drunken LSL in a at least known man's arms. My Best friend K, decided to stay over for two days, which ended in 5 weeks with her brother, his girlfriend(s), her boyfriend, his friends and my poor annoyed flatmates. Even thinking about that time makes my head spin and drop my jaw in awe of self as to how did I handle it all. Because between all of this were the 5 most important weeks of my year. That stress was dealt with day in day out. Coming back home was relaxing because of K's love, but not exactly peaceful and enough to prepare me for the next stressful day. Ofcourse, coming back home also meant more stress in terms of 'household stress'. Issues between my flatmates and my friends, issues between my two flatmates, issues between my friend and her boyfriend, her brother, their friends. I was lost. It was the craziest time of my life, which all came out that one night when all that was piled on decided to be drank away. And I drank like a maniac only to be held by RH, K's boyfriend's sexy friend. He was your typical hot uniform guy, with a NICE VOICE. *screams* (WTF? Its now when I look back at it, I realise he is hot. WTF was I thinking before that? His small cock?) Well so, drunken yours truly is kissing this hot man on the dance floor and next thing I remember is us driving to his place.

For some really odd reason, I remember K puking in his washroom, me settling her with her boyfriend and her drunken brother. I also remember RH and I moving to the balcony for a smoke and talking but I dont really remember the SEX PART! I know for sure it happened, cause I remember that feeling of having-sex-after-six-months-get-prepared-for it-to-hurt, and it just didnt cause it was THAT small. First One Night Stand and what a disappointment I swear! He was way better the next time when his 'thing' was not involved but yes some playing was. And strangely enough, I remember sleeping off immediately after the intercourse and he was trying to be all nice by cuddling and making conversation and I was SLEEP TALKING. The sweetest thing, he remember it all the next day and asked me about it and I gave him the weirdest look ever and just said 'Oh! I must have been sleep talking' and walked off. Gosh! Now, this sounds so bloody rude. But then, we met, spoke, messaged and flirted some times after that and then he sailed back. That was the end of the RH chapter.

As for the main chapter, K, that RH was a part of, was not a good chapter. A Best friend, I wanted to marry. We knew we would make a wonderful lesbian couple, but staying together didnt work out for us. Not for me, at least. Its a different thing being in love, and a different thing to live together. While I sobbed for days fighting with G cause we were sometimes still dealing with the break up and sometimes the RH topic came up, I knew who picked my hand and took me for a drive and saw the disinterest in the person I needed the most.

I did not see much of my family, hardly spoke to them, screwed up relationships in life, strengthened a few, identified some potential ones and remain confused about some. The year of ups and downs in all of my important relationships. The year when I not just swayed into the no-protection-one-night-stand territory (Bad Girl! *moves pointed finger*), but I got my FIRST BIKINI WAX too! *claps* IT FUCKING HURTS! And funnily, I have not had sex right after that. Considering I have had sex exactly TWICE in this year, its not that funny. But a bikini wax feels bloody good. Creams are out of the window, totally! Hope that did not get stolen? Yes! I am also dealing with a Kleptomaniac (I hope not!).

I found some genuine care, some genuine love, allot of misunderstanding, allot of patience, tolerance and so much more. I discovered my limits. I discovered myself. I took care of myself. I brokedown a several times. Sometimes there were arms around, mostly it was just my pillow and quilt. On the surface, the year was horrid, but I know it, this was the best year of my life, probably! I noticeably grew as a person. I made mistakes like a human. I felt the need of love in my life, for the first time. For the first time, I moved beyond others and questioned, Do they also love me as much as I love them? I got to know people better. I got to know strange politics better. I learnt to stay calm in a storm. I learnt to weep alone without hugs. I learnt to live without my daily 'Big Hug! Big Kiss' from G. I grew stronger. My illusion of a happy independent life is out of the window. Now, I am just ready for whatever comes my way. I am ready to take on this world, the last time I said it, I crumpled, this time, I shall hold my God's hand and walk. Hopefully my blog may not be directly proportionate to my sex life, the dying sex life last year almost killed my blog and this year there maybe NO SEX AT ALL (WTF!? *shakes head*), hope that doesnt dry up the blog though.

All I need is a smoke now. But Control and Balance shall be my resolution this year. Controlling my impulses and Balancing my emotion affected actions. Just want to learn to take it all with dignity and love. I shut my eyes tight and hold your hand, God, you are by the end of the day, my ONLY true love and there is nothing I can do without your love. Please continue to be there, right beside me, sticking to me, holding me like a lover who wouldnt let me go, this year too. If there is anyone who brushes my hair while I bury my face in my pillow, its you. I Love you, and this time I need you more than ever.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.

Kisses.

P.S. - Have a healthy and beautiful year! Hugs!

Stop. Think!

2010-11-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

There is this blog, partly anonymous, partly ignored and dearly close to my heart. For the past few months, I have been irregular, I have been scared. I have always taken this blog as my 'vent out' zone, no matter what the person visiting may feel or think. It is not my judgmental portal. But after some bouts of impulsive blog posts, I have started thinking before I write. I stop myself from writing certain things, probably because I don't want to face them or I don't want anyone else to face them. I have hurt and made some people smile through my posts, but now I prefer to stay quite, I think twice before I write, and I need to break through this. I need to be my LSL self, once again.

But there is something about thinking twice, an age old proverb. Repeatedly reminded by elders, friends and colleagues. I do not know whether my friend and her parent's had heard of this from any of their well wishers. Or maybe they did and ignored, like many of us.

My friend just got married. Being school friends, the entire group of 5 school besties, we were excited to be re united and laugh off the right prediction of her being the first one among all of us getting married. But behind those fake smiles and happiness, we were all worried, we were all mad at her, at her choice of the man she picked, like many of her previous boyfriends.

SN is an adopted Kashmiri Muslim, adopted by a Hindu Bengali-Bihari pair of IAS parents. She always had a nanny, even when she visited any of our houses. Today too, her nanny accompanies her everywhere. Her parents have been extremely protective of her for all the right reasons. She has no mind of her own. She is easily influenced and can be an utter fool. She was never interested in academics. How she finished school was a surprise to all of us too. She went on to do random courses in Make up and Jewelery, just to pass her time. Eventually, her rich parents set up her Jewelery business, trough various exhibitions, etc., thanks to their contacts.

Amidst all of this she did some stupid make up course, where she met MA, a hair dresser, and fell for him. He did not like her and was dating someone else at that point of time. He made his friend woe her and being the easily wooed sorts, she went out with him. He was well treated by her and received allot of expensive gifts in return of some attention, being her constant phone companion and adding a little 'fun' in her life. It was after this guy started showing off his amazingly convenient relationship with SN, that MA got jealous and threatened him to ditch her. And so he did. Only to break up with his girlfriend and hit on SN. SN got wooed within hours, again.

SN's choice of men have always reminded us of those old Hindi movies where nothing but love mattered. Class, cast, cultural differences were just words, but nothing that held any meaning in this world of blinded love. Practicality was always out of question and conversation, with her. She never respected the wishes of her family and sound advices from friends. She preferred shunning these people out of her life and have them back as per her convenience. Whenever she fell in love, she found a new confidante, a new friend, cause the real ones tried stopping her. She dated some random Barista waiter, then some Churiwala at a Mela, then some other churiwala in some thin lanes of an old city market.

SN is a pretty and dumb girl, asked out by many young intelligent sons of other IAS, businessmen family friends, but she never seemed to like them. Always found flaws in them. Their arrogance, their flirtatiousness, their lineage, there was an excuse not to be wooed, also cause she already had her heart set on either of these churiwalas and waiters. An issue we thought would get sorted as she grows up and her parent's find her a suitable boy. But none that you hope, happens.

SN decided to marry MA. MA had fun with SN without any intentions of marrying her. SN had decided, he was the man she always wanted to be with. MA asked for sex, and she refused, only to bring back the old Hindi movie back in picture. She coaxed him into marrying her, and her parents who are still not happy with this decision of hers.

They have set up a place for the couple, a salon-cum-jewelery store, hoping they will settle themselves in their respective careers. MA's seven uneducated unemployed brothers have been employed in that salon and has taken over her jewelery store as well. He disses SN's advices and decisions regarding their business, calling her too dumb for it and intends taking over the entire business on his own. He has already started to. SN's parents have got them a house too, where the couple will live with MA's first mom, while the second mom and father shall peacefully stay in MA's village.

MA comes from a conservative uneducated Muslim family and SN, from a liberal educated Hindu one. This union is not about class differences and religious differences, but simply about the two ends they come from. It is about the difference in which they look at their relationship. SN is blinded by love and MA, by the convenience that has come with it for him and his family.

As I sat beside her during her Nik'ah, my heart bled. Do the parents even know, whatever she is repeating after the Mullah, after her 'Kabool Hai', was her conversion into a Muslim? No, they did not. And I did not have the heart to tell them, NOW, your daughter has successfully been converted without your knowledge. It is okay, only if they knew about it, but unfortunately they didn't. The father was refused to sign on her Nik'ah Nama (Muslim Marriage Certificate) because he is not a Muslim. Does it get worst than this? Yes. SN has already forgotten about what her parents have done for her and is totally unthankful, rude and her reply to every suggestion or word from her parents' is 'I am a married woman, now!'.

Personally, it is beyond me and no one on this planet can expect respect from me if they have none for their parents. My heart sank deeper as I saw her running towards her now-husband, as her parents walked towards her to hug her, without even noticing them.

Did she stop for a moment and think twice about her decision? About the circumstances that this decision will put her in? There is an absolute class, culture, religion, family, traditional change for her. Was she ready for it? Or was she only ready for a husband, who is clearly marrying her only for the material conveniences? The man and his family only agreed to this marriage after they had weighed down all that was coming with this inter religion union. But had she? Her parents did and they did try stopping her. We tried coaxing her into 'thinking twice', but for once, she was not easy to influence. She cried after her engagement over the sudden changes in MA. In the way he treated her, their business and the love that she thought they shared. She agreed on the fact that he might be with her only for what comes with her, not cause of her, and she still seems okay with it? She clearly has remained a fool in the years gone by.

As loved ones, we can now, only pray for her well being and a happy married life. I, only hope that the love she married MA for, only grows between the two and no problem or unexpected issues come her way. May she adjust beautifully in this different world without any pressures, troubles and taunts. This is not the ideal family, her family must have imagined her being a part of, but this remains the truth for the rest of their lives.

Nature has once again won over Nurture. Their years of protectiveness and upbringing could do nothing in front of the strength of her original origin. She is back in the kind of family, she probably came from. Being brought up in a certain way did not change a thing in her attitude or her interests or her thoughts.

She is one example I don't want to look at when I suggest adoption to my sister. I'd rather be a surrogate mother to my sister's children. Something I have been thinking of very seriously. Something that I intend doing for her, if only I ever find a man to marry who feels and agrees to the same. My sister was never for adoption while I always pushed her for it, and now when she is considering it, I want to stop her, I want to tell her, she is not strong enough to endure the pain that SN's parents did. What if nurture fails in her case too? She'd rather have someone from the family than somebody completely unknown. Than somebody who would know it all her life that my sister is not her real mother and despite my sister being a mother, the child may not act like a daughter.

We all need to stop and think twice before such big decisions. Adoption or Marriage is not a Blog Post, that one can rely on impulse. They are life changing decisions. They have to be thought over, they have to be weighed, they have to be calculated and studied. They need your full attention, they need you to be prepared with anything and everything unseen that comes with it. It is all a maze, you never know where you land up.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

And they lived 'Satisfied' ever after!

2010-11-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

There are no happy stories. Only illusions. What if you found out Cinderella's Prince cheated on her with one of her step sisters? What if the Little Mermaid missed her life under sea so much that she was always unhappy despite marrying the love of her life and living on land, as she always wanted? Would these stories really end with 'And they lived happily ever after'?

I see people wanting to get laid. Unsatisfied in their marital sex lives. Sexual flings with colleagues/clients/bosses. Insecurity in relationships. Men and Women walking into hotels seperately, meeting in the same room. Leaving seperately at the gap of 10-15 minutes. People from the world thronging porn sites, releasing themselves in front of screens with men and women mating, you have no clue about. Mating with men and women you just met at the bar or the dance floor. Thronging sex chat sites, jerking off to some Miss sluttypussy or fingering for some Mr. BigBlackCock. All for, sexual pleasures and satisfaction. But, is there any, really?

I log onto sex chat sites, for the fun of it. There is some stupid fun in seeing people pinging you 'Ill tear your husband's favorite thongs and pound that wet smooth pussy.' It is hilarious, really. Like, you have no clue who I am, I could tell you I am some Blondie from Amsterdam, who is married and fantasizes her son and you would have a hard on. Like, really? Are you serious when you say you want me to roleplay your daughter's friend on chat? Hah. Its funny. I have never gone beyond these two lines on any of these sites. They make for a hilarious time killer and an interesting study too.

Thousands of lonely horny people, who want to get on top of you (men and women) just for releasing themselves. It is sad. It is weird when I hear of married couples cheating on their spouses. When I see friends having sex with their bosses for 'fun'. When I see men and women amidst a large group yet sharing this immense sexual tension. Trying so hard to seduce the other. Flirting with each other. The world is at it every second. Amelia had a good curiosity, how many people in this world are having an orgasm as I type this? We are sometimes worst than animals who are so desperately looking for sex. More than companionship, we are looking for some 'action', yet crying ourselves to sleep cause the bed is just full of your mess and cushions, but no arm to embrace you, no lips to kiss your forehead while you are asleep. Its funny to me. Its something I dont understand, yet am a part of it, in some ways.

I see myself in either an unhappy marriage or unhappy being lonely n single. There is no medication for happiness. No solution. No reason big enough. Definitely nothing genuine to make you genuinely happy either. What are we all doing with our lives? Wasting in waiting, in some unbelievable hope? Or Moving on accepting the cynism and just treating sex as a daily need, like food. Sometimes you get great food and sometimes, distasteful. Has feeling Sexy replaced feeling Special? Has Lust taken over Love? Where is the love from our lives missing? Why do we like to believe we are the only ones who want a genuine partner and the other person in this world is incapable of giving us that? Why have we given up on relationships? On life? On love? On happiness? On content? Do they really exist or did they die the moment we all stepped out of our parents' homes. For me, it did. And for you?

Bitching about Dogs!

2010-10-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.

Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.

"I think that guy is good looking."
"Which one?"
"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"
"What happened?"
"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."
"And the girl is nice."
"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."

"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter (he borrowed and was not returning. :P), talking over the phone.

We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.

"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."
"I think he is breaking up."
"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."
"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."
"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."
"Exactly PL."
"Shut up RM."
"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."
"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."
"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."
"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."
"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."
"PL! You are in love."
"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."
"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."
"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."
"See, so you did too."
"Yeah. I guess."
"But I think he is very cute."
"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"
"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."
"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."
"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."
"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.
"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."
"Is it about ST?"
"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."
"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now."
"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."
"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"
"Yeah L. You got it!"
"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."
"He is a man RM. He wont!"
"Exactly."
"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."
"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."
"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."
"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."
"Oops!"
"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."
"Argh! I hate that bit."
"Why? Whats with Doon?"
"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"
"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."
"I think I attract the wrong guys."
"Its not about the city my love."
"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."
"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."
"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."
"Its not. Date the cute guy."
"Yeah. I guess I will."
"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."
"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."
"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"
"Okay! Let him come back!"

After two hours of all kinds of crap.

"Excuse me?"
Returning the Lighter.
"Thanks."
I smile. And then he sits beside me.
"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."
"Errr....."
"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."
"Sure?"
"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."
"(WTF? Where did that come from?", all three faces said that.
"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"
"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."
(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)
"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."
"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."
(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)
"Well, then talk to her about it."
"I did but she has no explanation."
(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)
"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."
Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"
Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from Doon. You are?"
PL looks away.
"L"
"RM"
Waiting...
"She is PL."
"Thanks for the help."
"TC. Bye."

We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.
"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Strangers on a Train

2010-10-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

Just an hour left before my short break at Home finishes. I like visiting home even when no family member is there. It still is home and I feel relaxed. I decide to pamper myself with a steam bath before I leave and so I go for one, close to my house. My insides feeling drained and relaxed, my skin can breathe. As I stroll back home, I notice the Colony Park has been renovated and there are new swings. I can never hold myself when I see one. Guess it fulfills my wish to fly high in its own little way. And so I did.

I picked up my pace slowly. My legs thrown in the air. My back curved. My head, now just looking at the dark clear sky, with shimmering dots that we call stars. The moon, I could not see, the barks of a big tree came in between. If you ever want to see me genuinely happy and smiling and laughing to myself, place me on a swing. I laughed as I got higher. Kids who thought they were playing and having fun, looked at me and thought twice. The young boy talking to his girlfriend as he walked around the pathway, smiled in a I-am-Happy-to-see-you-Happy way. The kid next to me decided to compete on the swing with me, but I, I was just oblivious to it all. All, I could really see was that sky, I wanted to touch with my feet. All, I could feel was my heart floating, a smile that would substitute a silent laugh, the cool breeze filling my hair. Sigh! It was just the perfect end of a short sweet holiday at home, I thought.

I was late, rushed to the station to catch my Train back to where I (do not) belong. I reach in time and settle. What I hate about Train traveling alone is other weird men traveling with you and ogling at you. I can not even run away anywhere. This time, it was different. I decided to settle myself and tuck in with a book before anyone else took their berths to avoid any kind of contact. I make my bed and leave to get a bottle of water, I come back to see this decent looking young man settling in. After settling he sits and does the usual passenger thing, talk endlessly on the phone, making calls to several people, talking about how he has been offered to perform in the South Asian Festival, how he needs to get back and finish designing the poster, etc., etc. (No. I was not eves dropping. You can hear when someone is sitting almost beside you.)

Despite being engrossed in my book, my interest was divided. I thought many times as I flipped my pages to ask him what I was most curious about. About his profession. It was performing arts for sure, but which one? The train had started and the other four passengers who had to apparently join us in our section did not exist. Ours was the only section with only two berths taken, his and mine.

Finally, I kept my book aside when he kept his BB aside.

"Excuse me? Are you into theater?"
"Yes."
"From here or there?"
"Here."
"Oh! What group, if I may ask?"
"Dadadada. Have you heard of it?" (No, that is not the name. I am just playing my anonymous self. :P)
"Actually yes. Is it in association with xyz NGO."
"Yes."
"My friend runs that NGO."
"You mean TC is your friend?"
"Yes. TC and there was this other guy VS."
"Yeah. He has now moved abroad."
"Yes. I am still in touch with him and TC is getting married next month."
"Yeah... Wow. Small World."
"Indeed. Infact I remember I was once looking for theater artists for some work once and TC had made talk to somebody over the phone from probably your theater group itself."
"Are you LSL by any chance from xyz?"
"Yeah."
"Now, I recognize you. You were there for these events too, right?"
"Yeah. I was. Whoa!"
"You have now moved away?"
"Yeah."

And that was just the beginning. We spent hours discussing theater, literature, our fields of work, the limitations and aspirations. The entire train was asleep and our lights were all switched on. One thing led to another. We shared stories. Reviewed them, discussed them. Discussed works of others and our own. The conversation got intimate by the minute. We talked about personal problems, passions and wishes. Frustration, Hope, Love and Comfort, all mixed in that conversation of ours.

"OMG! Its 3:00 am."
"What?"
"I did not even realize."
"Same here. I guess we should goto sleep now."
"Yeah."
I smiled, "Good Ni..."
He interrupted, "Do you smoke?"
"Err... Yes."
"Do you want to come out for a smoke?"
"Most definitely."
We talked some more as we lit our cigarettes. The conversation outside continued about arts and interests. We lit another one and then another, until we realized we should really be sleeping now. We moved back in.

"I am actually a night person."
"So am I. It is hard to put myself to sleep in the night."

And that was just the beggining of another conversation. Now, the lights had been switched off. We both were tucked in in our berths, with almost shut eyes and talking endlessly about just theater, about my interest in the same. About our writings, about cinema. He shared how he wanted to weave a story around something and we spent the night giving that concept a rough shape, making a story about the concept he had. He had narrated some six scripts he had worked upon, to me, now. I narrated some of mine too, but obviously my story telling lacked the theatrical expression he had.

He performed, acted parts from the script he narrated. There was love for arts and theater pouring out of his body with every silent expression, with every word he spoke. I could marry him at that point of time just being mesmerized by his true love and focus for what he really wants to do in life. By now, we could see some light from the window.

"Freak! Its morning. We must sleep a little before our train reaches our destination."
"Yeah. Good Night."
"Good Night."

We just lay looking out of our windows, knowing neither of us was sleeping or even remotely sleepy.

"You know there was this script by so and so about... "
"If you narrate me one more story, I will fall asleep."
"Uh Okay. I am sorry."
"No. I did not mean its boring. Its just so tempting to goto sleep when someone is narrating a story."
"Yes. It really is. In that case, you listen and you will probably get some sleep too that way."
"Mmmm. No. I'll listen without going to sleep."
"Believe me its a nice story and you will love to sleep listening to it."
"Uh. Okay. Thanks!"
"So, there was this...."

His voice soft, his narration vivid. With just a smile sticking to my face, I do not remember when I slept. Next day, he woke me up because I was still sleeping and our station had arrived.

"It was really nice meeting you."
"Really. Same here."
"It is really nice to meet people with similar interests. I have friends but none who may like to talk about these things as such."
"Hhhmmm. By the way, I am sorry about last night. The story was really so sweet that it put me in a slumber."
"Its okay. It was my pleasure."
"But I still have not heard the entire story."
"I noticed you went of to sleep, so I stopped mid way."
"Did I start snoring, by any chance?"
"LOL. No."
"Phew!"
"Whats your number? I'll inform you when we are performing here."
"Yes, please do. I would love to come and see your work. Its ..... Just give me a missed call so I can have yours too."
"Got it?"
"Yeah. I am sorry, I forgot to ask you your name?"
"BP. Nice meeting you. All the Best."
"Nice meeting you too. All the Best to you for all your work and International festivals."
"Hope to see you soon. Bye."
"Bye. Take Care."

We walked out together till a point where we shook hands, bid farewell with a smile and turned in opposite directions.

We have all dreamt of having long conversations with strangers you may never meet again but they remain on your mind for long, sometimes forever. I am glad it happened. It was random. It was strange. It was special, in its own way. It was only now, that my short sweet holiday was over. God had been kind. :-)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Jump and Fall

2010-09-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

The World falls in two categories - One that is in Love and One that is looking for love. Who said Love was easy? Neither being in it nor looking for it. Specially, when ironically it surrounds you. We just fail to see it, always. And take the leap into the shallow side of the pool. Cause its just so safe to.

My friends are getting married. All of them together around the same time and the rest looking for the 'perfect' match. The one who will perfectly fit the family and who will be fun to be with too. By the end of the day, its all a matter of perspective. Its all about what you bring out of them. By the end of the day, is what you make of them and what they make of you. If its good, its meant to be. But then, who said rules apply? Who said making lists and ticking them off every time you meet someone for a date would make you love them. Its again just convenience. Its calculative (read Manipulative). Snap out of it!

I have made the mistake of mixing my logical reasoning mostly when it came to love, but then that is not love. Love is true when it takes over you completely. It takes over your life. In true Bollywood style, makes you sleepless, makes you smile and cry for no reason, makes you think of that special someone all day, every second (without exaggeration). Love is madness. It is maddening. You maybe aware or afraid of the consequences but how will you know whether you were right or it was just an assumption until you make the effort to find out. But no, we are too protective about our feelings. Just too scared to shed off each piece of emotion that makes us. That defines our true being. That we feel so deep within that we stay shut in our closets, layered in different emotional clothing. Believe me, the reason you feel hurt is because you are trying so hard to compress what is meant to be just OUT THERE. Something that maybe yours, but is for somebody else. Your heart is beating for you, but the moment you skip that beat cause of that someone, they have a right on that heart too. Go, give it off. What do we have to lose? What do we have to give anyway in this world, except love? The heart is not completely yours, anyway. Might as well offer it.

Believe you me, you will regret staring at the ceiling, lying on your death bed, not telling that someone you loved them. Even if it meant, loving them for just a day. You might lose the person, but your sweet memory will stay with them forever. You will eventually land in the place you desired. That special space in her/his heart, after all.

Just take that leap. Afraid of falling? Dont be! Cause unless you fall, you will never be able to rise and walk again. And if you feel unable to get up, someone will come your way and pick you up. Just let them help you. DO NOT shut yourself. Your heart will only cry in pain more, for lack of chance to love again. For lack of feeling special again. For lack of sleeplessness, being occupied every second with the thought of just one person. It will yearn for more love for revival. It will cry only and only to you until you throw it in unexpected hands who plays with it, caresses it, teases it, touches it, kisses it and makes it smile again.

Just, Jump and Fall. Fall in Love. Love for the sake of humanity. Love, Let Love in, Let Love talk. Let it act all crazy. Keep your logical bullshit away from it. It is a free bird. Let it fly. Let it dive. Let it flutter. Let it fall. Let it catch its flight. Just Love, because that is what keeps us close to our real selves. Keeps us human.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

With love, love and more endless unconditional mad free love.

Come Undone

2010-08-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...

A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind

"Hey"
"hey"
"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just fooling around."

"As in?"
"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"
"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."
"Nice."
"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."
"Hhhmm"
"Where do you wanna go?"
"No where."
"What are you wearing?"

And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.

All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.

I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.

We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.

I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.

We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.

Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.

Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.

My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.

I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.

I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)

Yes, I believe in Magic!

2010-07-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

Amidst a storm of bad days, relationships, each one of them, not even one spared from the curse, today I was left feeling different. My silences grew. Faking a bad mood has gradually become difficult, equally has the need for expressing it. I wrote posts over the past 45 days, not once but many times. Some complete and some not, but they never made me take my mouse click to 'Publish Post'. They had so much, all about the moods, the conversations, the events, some funny and some tragic, but they lacked the feeling I have after I write a post. I have never written for the heck of it. Hence, I would never post for the heck of it either. Be it my first time experience of a bikini wax or drunk making out with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend (yeah... long connection there). My honest confession to G about it and what came after that or terrible fuck ups with family, flat mates and friends. There was nothing bad in terms of relationships that has not happened all together in just a span of these 45 days. I am not over it. I am somehow, now accepting it in different ways. A little compromise. A little ignorance.

All of this and then he called. He called and narrated an entire two day weekend plan. My first reaction was "Are you fucking mad? You think I am going to spend my entire weekend with YOU?" I did not mean to sound that way but I did not want to go ahead with this long plan either. But I don't know. I did. We caught up for the match, drinks, dinner, another match, drinks, all with his friends and mine, making it a huge group of over 10 people. It was fun. Slowly, I started liking my decision. We spent more time over the weekend. Talked. Remained silent. Had tea in silence over looking the sky. He remarked in the car as we were moving with his two friends for brunch, as planned, "I am assuming there will be a very intense post coming from you today." I made me usual 'What?' face. "You have been thinking too much today. You have been very silent." I had. I had allot on mind. About life, about a bitter conversation with mom and sister just a moment back, about my career, about relationships, about their meaning in my life, about the 'doormat syndrome' he talks about, about the inner peace that was calming all the puzzled thoughts dancing in my head, thanks to the view from his friend's pent house balcony.

Throughout the weekend, the only two times I remember us 'talking', was him stopping me from smoking every time I would get up to go out for a smoke and a lame drunken sleepy weird conversation, after we had hit the bed, which I don't even remember. It doesn't matter because we can talk and be silent at the same time. Comfortable with everything. When we talk, our conversations begin from somewhere and end somewhere. They are very random and sensible, both at the same time. Its funny. We open up to each other like strangers do. It was pretty evident when I spent some three to four days, straight being online waiting for him because I wanted to talk about G and I knew, despite G being there, despite great friends, it was only he I wanted to speak to. It is something I never understood, and before I left for a one week break and my last night chance of catching him online, he finally did come and we spoke all night, about each other, about G, about me, about G and me. He gave me his number. I told him where I was. The disclosure came with forced hesitance but naturally it was all flowing. My anonymous Blogger ethics were stopping me but the real me was not.

And that was just the beginning. Six months down the line, we have seen several movies together, hung out with each other's friends, had night stays and fights too. Today as he drove me back home, we admired the sky and sat silent. The weekend plan of watching Argentina v/s Germany had changed because he had to get home. I left too. I knew there was something. The silence was comfortable. His stupidity and drunken funny dance moves did not make the sophisticated me raise an eyebrow. His kinky jokes and random messages were not judged. There was a connection. There was what the movie we just came out of said "Magic". Yes, I like to pretend that I do not believe in it but secretly, I do. We know it for a fact that we share a connection. Something, that is not found in all relationships, mostly craved for and not found in the romantic ones. This is not a romantic relationship. This is just a relationship which would remain in my memory forever whether we remain in touch for that long or not.

It is the connect you form with a person immediately and you know it will stay. Because, its a relationship built solely on that and has nothing else to offer or take. It is not what most call a step to fall in love. It is just plain connect. Some heroes find it in their bartenders and some heroines in that stranger old man sitting by the riverside. I just found it in a Blogger friend.

Its comfortable. Its crazy. And its nothing romantic. Its not something all understand. Its what I call the 'MAGICAL CONNECTION'.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

My First!

2010-05-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

"Happy Birthday."
"Thanks baby"
"So, What plans for tomorrow?"
"The regular. Office. Mom. Grand mom. Dinner with friends, if they remember to wish me."
"Nice."
We talk for a good one hour about here, there and everywhere.
"You know L, every time I get horny, its only you I think about."
"Uuumm. Okay."
"Every time we did it on my bed. On my couch. In the kitchen. On your bed. In that room during our vacation."
And the list went on about all places we made out, kissed and were desperate to tear off each other's clothes.
"Aaa. Yeah."
"How I wish you were here with me right now."
"No. I do not think that is a good idea."
"Its not like we have not done it before."
"Yes, we have. But, this will just make things more complicated."
"Look, if you think, us having sex will make it all emotional for me. I assure you it will not. Its just casual sex. No strings attached."
"Look, you have been into casual sex. I haven't. I don't think I can ever be comfortable with it."
"L, its me."
"I know, it is you. Probably that is the reason why it is slightly more awkward."
"Do you want to do it?"
"Yes."
"Then you must know that this will not complicate things between us."
"I just do not know."
"You have no idea how hard, your playing hard-to-get has gotten me right now."
"Uumm. Okay... Maybe we should end this conversation here."
"Don't tell me you are not turned on right now."
Long time relationships make you feel like a fool. The other person knows you bloody too well.
"Yes. I am."
"What are you wearing?"
And that was it. We had phone sex after, I guess five months.
"Fuck! This was my first time."
"You liked it?"
"I don't know. I.. I just had my first casual sex." (Yes. PHONE SEX COUNTS!)
"LOL."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY G!"
"Thank you, my love."
"Fuck! This was fucking good."
"Told you."
We talked a little more about here, there and everywhere.
"Good Night baby."
"Good Night Birthday Boy. Big Hug! Big Kiss!."
"Right back at you."

After 10 minutes, I pick up my phone again.
"What was this? Birthday Sex or Break-up Sex?"
Beep. Beep.
"Break-up Sex has a sense of finality to things."
I smiled. Curled. Slept.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - His Birthday month and I get a present too. Ms. R bestowed upon me the 'Cherry on Top Award.' Thank you, sweetheart. :)

Winds of Change

2010-04-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up, has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus]
So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go
This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You climbed my walls

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Off you
Off you

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
And oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Almost a year back, when I shifted here, I came because I was done living in my hometown. I thought i had almost exhausted all possibilities for my career and it was great. Now, it was time to grow more, get to a bigger city, make it bigger, live a bigger life, a new one, with new experiences, new people. I will not say I was not prepared for what I was stepping into. I knew the place, I knew how the people are going to be like, I knew it was not going to be easy for me and I knew, I might change too.

I am mostly typical. My attitude is repetitive when put in similar situations. Every time I am in a new space, I am usually very quiet and shy. I find it hard to be all free, hyper and jumping, like my real self. I come across as formal and arrogant. G thought I gave him attitude too in our first conversation. But I do open up slowly, always. I am not anonymous to all my readers too. One found out, one I opened up to. As much as I may stop myself from trusting people, I just give in. I just open up and end up feeling weak as a person because a closed person always for some reason feels more secure about their secrets, an open person can not. At least, I do not. I feel helplessly weak. I feel like I have been robbed off all that is mine, off all the truth that belongs to me, that is mine. I have shared it, and now it is gone. But that is not all. What is worst is when you want to be yourself but can not. Not because some one's judgement about you is stopping you. But being the real you is making you weak. When your weakness is not the truth about you but the true you.

I know I have changed. I can see it. Feel it. Conscience about it. Dont like it. Yet letting it happen to me. I have done, said things i should not have but I did because they were important. Because I had to stand up for myself. Sometimes, actually mostly, standing up for self meant stooping down but that was the game and to survive, you have to play it dirty. I have never liked the people in this city. I have never liked the city. I find it hard to be like them. To adjust to their ways. Worst, people migrating here, become like them. Now, I understand why. Survival.

To survive, I have made my conscience change too now. Harsh words. Abuses. Rudeness. Shrewdness. Defending self with rude remarks on others. Things i have never known. Things i have never done. Things I do now. Just to survive. Just so I do not remain your punching bag and the butt of all your jokes, your source of entertainment, your simple innocent one who can be used and abused because I say nothing. I would not react to all this because initially I would be shocked at such a behaviour, with time, I did not say anything because I would find it hard to come down to your level. You would push me and I would go down deeper and deeper till I got suffocated. Till I could not breath. Till I re started thinking my decision. Till I sobbed for days in my pillow. Till you made me angry. Till your words pulled me up again, only to put me down to your level. And I did. My simple background. My simple upbringing. My manners. My endurance went for a toss. I am now, one of you. I locked myself in a room, thought for over two months about you. About how you treated me. About how my silence and patience with you became my dumbness and my stupidity. About how I was just another new girl in your city who needed to become one of you to get a visa to stay in your city. And I did. Now, you will not say much to me because initially I shocked you with my unexpected rude replies, as you did to me. Now you will not ridicule me, because now you are getting used to my snarky direct remarks on your flaws. Now you will compliment me even on the worst of my clothes because I might just turn around and snap back at you. Now, I am one of you, so you will not treat me like shit. Now, you will trust me because now even the thought of trusting my patience with you and your god damned city is dead. I smirk at your foolish change that you have to bring every time a new person becomes one of you. Hah. You are one useless piece of shit who will never know simplicity. Who will never know the true world because you are so complex ed. Because you can not trust the real people. But the clever ones will recognise the real balls and come to you. Now, I laugh till I sob myself to sleep because you are the butt of all my jokes. You are not my punching bag, but my boxing glove. You are just so shallow. You may have forced me to change but I never will at heart. I may have become one of you, but I can never be you. You are not a bad person but can make somebody a bad person by forcing them to change. How many of us do actually know how much to change and why, afterall? Thank God, I do.

And you thought I was having it easy here. And you thought I was having fun. Enjoying what I want to do. Enjoying the new 'friends'. Living a life I wanted to? Hah. I am having anything but fun. This is just an experience. An experience i analyze everytime i am alone. When you were there with me, even if it was just our short conversation on phone, I knew i had somebody who kept me close to the real me. You kept me so close to my true self that you made me weak. You made it harder for me to survive in this shithole with these loose tummy asses. I had to let go of you so that I could let go off my true self, even if it meant just on the surface. I tried looking for people around me to find my true self, but no one will ever know the true me the way you have known. The way you have touched the true me. Yes, it was about me. But if it was not this, then I would die. I surely would have. Just to survive, i not only changed myself, but my relationship with you. I had to detach myself from me, from you, who was a part of me. It was never easy. It still is not. Believing in fairy tales is becoming harder by the day. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is about 'us'. It is always 'you' and 'me'. It will never be 'us' again. It will never be 'me' for me, again. I have let you go just to get rid of the true me. I have lost more than I thought. Lost more than planned. Lost you. Lost me. Lost us.

Climbing these walls is hard. Slippery. I am being pulled down, but I will fight day and night with the asses just to survive with the hope that this survival will not be pointless by the end of it. This fight I will win one day and be my true self again, even if that means, being alone. Not like, I am not lonely, now. Your departure from my life may have made my fight easier but tolerating the smell of the shithole is still tough. Your smell helped me survive, but I guess that was not enough and that is why we are where we are. My fingers stop to type 'I Love You' here. I have to fight to write these simple words too. It's not that simple, baby. It's not. It just isn't. No.

Nerver Been Kissed.

2010-03-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

"Someone once told me. To write well, you have to write what you know. And this is what I know."

This was to be written a week back but when I did start writing I ended up writing something I did not wish to write about. Or maybe something that did not make me feel too good once I wrote it, thus I never published it. But, after having watched the movie, I am re writing the whole post. I am guessing the way I have wanted to.

Just when Drew Barrymore threw her mic down on the Baseball field, my flatmate1 walked into the room and asked me to lock the door. She was leaving for a movie with her live-in boyfriend. About an hour before she left, my other flatmate2 left to be with her boyfriend for two days because she is taking an off, and even though her boyfriend is going to be busy, she plans to just sit beside him and probably chat with me online to kill her time. And, her boyfriend does the same. Comes over every weekend he is free, even when she is not and stays up all night playing Mafia Wars just to wake her up at an odd hour for her to complete the work or to see if her back pain is giving her trouble in her sleep. Yes, I often hear 'voices' too. But, they are mostly of they whispering or her boyfriend snoring. I guess they are pretty careful. Also, their good luck is that I sleep very sound and mostly early too.

The first two months of staying with Flatmate2, I kept convincing her about dating the guy she is. I always saw this beautiful connection between the two, and RM and I would always convince her and tell her how beautiful it is to be in a relationship. She started dating him just six months ago, just when RM broke up with her guy and now I broke up with mine. The funny thing is RM and I love having our 'Singleton is bliss' conversation and ignore my flatmate when she has a thing to say to us. Why? Probably because we already know how beautiful it is to be in a real relationship.

But I disagree. Honestly, I do not feel as if I have been in a real relationship. It is, more like, having an online or tele soul mate. I have been in two relationships so far. One that went for a good long four years with him sitting in the neighbouring country, visiting India, yet not my city. Hence, we NEVER met during our courtship period. We met just last year, when I went to his country, his city. We hugged and that was the end of our physical relationship. When G happened about two years back. I was not even thinking of being in a relationship. I was losing weight at I don't know what speed and was feeling great about myself. I had guys starting to hit on me. Honestly, the last time I really had guys hit on me was junior school. :P Even though the flirting was happening, I remember going on two dates as well, while I was talking to G and we discussed my miserable dates with these guys who would talk of how I made them feel that I hate men. Well, to a certain extent they were pretty right. In fact, if i met a two three more of their kinds, they would be hated for knowing me so well. G mailed one night, dropping his number because he would not be online and would like to talk to me. I smiled. Felt itchy. It was funny. I felt he was interested in me, but giving me your number puts me off. I like to take my time. I enjoyed talking to him but I did not know if I missed talking to him. Also, giving my number to an online friend whose blog makes me go weak in the knees or makes me roll on the floor with laughter, was something I would not do. Hence, I mailed back a polite short mail telling him "as for d call thing... im not too sure... so... until i den... v hav gtalk :) yay!! :D

c ya soon!! hav fun wt ur friend :)

tc..." I had to go through some 500 mails to copy paste it for you guys. :P And that was that, only for the next one week, until I broke my specs and could not see a thing on my computer screen. I vanished for about three days, but we mailed each other. Sometimes twice a day. Until, I messaged him one night and (like an asshole) he replied after 20 minutes. We got messaging. Then came the call. And the calls increased in duration and number by the day. The I-Like-You began. And at 5 a.m. in the morning, one day, out of nowhere we said 'I Love you'. It took just that one line for me to wake up next to K and break to her that I am going to have my first real relationship. We were excited. We jumped. She hugged. And, that was it. We were 'in a relationship'. In no time, we began discussing how he was going to propose to me for marriage and how we would have multi talented, multi ethnic children. It felt great. I honestly felt that I have never been this comfortable talking to any man in my life. Not even my best friend, AJ. It was beautiful.

Two months later, he managed to get a three day weekend and took a train without any reservation and travelled 50 hours just to see me for 10 hours. Something I would never allow myself to do, but I seemed to have broken all my rules when it came to G. I check into a hotel with him so that we can spend our 10 hours in peace and private. I knew today was the day I was going to get MY FIRST KISS, only this time I could not imagine it. Every time before that, I could always imagine different kinds, different places with different men, my first kiss. But this time, I knew it was coming, but how?

I was sitting on the chair and he on the bed. We sat and talked for about 5 minutes until he asked me to come over and sit beside him. I did. I was feeling shy and weird. It was my first time, like this. I was sitting with this guy for the first time and he was my 'first real boyfriend', whom I am going to kiss in sometime! He asked me to come closer. I moved an inch. We had our hands clasped and just when I was looking at the hands, I do not know what happened, but we were kissing. It took me about 20 seconds to talk to myself and make myself realise that this is a kiss. 'Kiss back', said my mind, next. And when I did, our clothes were off in fifteen minutes. No, we did not have sex. I was for some reason not comfortable getting my panties off. But, he came in front of me. (Something, that would qualify as weird in my dictionary, now. Why? What? What exactly were we thinking?) We made out some more and left for lunch. He talked me into sex over lunch and we bought a pack of condoms before getting into the room again.

We kissed. We made out. We got our clothes off, but he could not get an erection and I could not find my fucking hole! Now, when I look back at it, I find this hilarious and set out a sigh of relief. I am glad I did not have my first sex the day I got my first kiss.

But yes, I do regret having made out to that level or to any level for that matter. It was great. But, the first kiss just got lost somewhere. It was not meant to be that way. It was not meant to be in a hotel room. It was not meant to be without a moment of silence. Without facing each other. With breathing so heavily that you can actually feel each other's chests going in and out. Without having to look into each other's eyes and slowly lean towards each other. Slowly close your eyes and gently feel the lips settling on yours before you start kissing.

I really have no idea about how men imagine their first kisses, but for women, or girls for that matter, first kiss is a big deal. It always was for me too, until it just vanished in the making out and the stupid embarrassing two bra episode. Oh Fuck! I did not just write this. FUCK! What am I? On a spree of letting all my darkest secrets out to you guys? Okay, first the defence, I was not expecting us to make out. Or rather I was more excited about wearing that dress than the two bras. Yes! (hides her face with her hands and howls) I wore two fucking bras the first time I met G. Look! I could not help it. I was wearing a grey shirt and I could not find my 'proper' grey bra. So I wear my 'proper' black bra and then put on this other gray bra which was slightly lose, just so the other color bra does not show. Oh! Whatever. Argh. Now, you know it. Stop laughing! Argh. Argh. Argh.

Anyway, coming back to the point. Bang! Hits you straight on the head with the big fat book in front of me. Yes you! Come back to the main post and stop imagining and laughing at it. Huh. Yeah. So, the point being the first kiss.

G is an excellent kisser. Any of you girls who want to hook up with G now, will be lucky. He is an amazing kisser and fucking hot in bed. I doubt I am going to find anyone better than him in bed. ;) (How I hope I do, though ;)) Even when I did it with him for the first time. That was when I went to visit him for three days. The sex grew to be great. The first was painful. Your hole takes eternity to open up, especially when your first is about 7-8 inches, it is not even funny. But, what about my first kiss. G and I have had some beautiful kisses. Like, in the rain on a lonely bridge in the darkness of the night. Like, the secret stealthily kisses on the ferry. Like the long kiss in bed after sex. Like the recent kiss on New Year's Eve on the pathway, with the sea in front, beautifully decorated and lighted ships and ferries far away in the middle of the sea and fireworks in the background. But, those were not my 'first kiss'.

I am still waiting for it. When I had called up K after my first kiss to tell her about it. She said I was like the girl from 'Never Been Kissed', who took so long to get her first kiss. But K, I am still that Drew Barrymore who was the fat geek in school, yet popular and loved. I am that Drew Barrymore who is still fat but hopes to get her FIRST REAL KISS and pop her leg up or cry and laugh at the same time when she kisses.

Now, as I write the last line of my post. I will look around the fridge to eat something. Clean my room. Put on a new pink bed sheet and lie down with my book, alone because I have long hard day tomorrow, which will lead to an extremely relaxing weekend which I have not had in a long time. The weekend plan only involves my school close friend's engagement to attend. But coming back alone, knowing, I will not have somebody to come back to and creep into my bed just to put my head on his shoulders, get a kiss on my forehead and hear a soft 'Good Night' as he caresses me in his arms. Knowing when I wake up and want to laze in bed and just watch TV or movies with food on bed, I will have no one to cuddle with in my blanket. Knowing when I just want to read, I will not have a lap to rest my head on while he does his own thing. Knowing every time I have a hard day, I will not have supportive quick kisses to calm me down. Knowing when I am too happy, I will not be getting any tight long hugs. Knowing I am not getting a beautiful special kiss which is just meant to be a kiss for a very very long time. Till then, I will be the girl who has 'Never Been Kissed', still fantasizing about her perfect first kiss.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

When the teenager inside you does not grow up!

2010-03-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

Word of caution - This is going to be creepy!

What I talk about today is according to me the creepiest thing ever. You may judge hate whatever me. But this, my friend is the truth. And the only truth I have NEVER EVER EVER spoken about to ANYBODY. This is MY secret.
*****************************************************************

For the first time, at 15, I try curling my hair for a cousin's wedding. With my bunch of cousins we reach the venue and I immediately see him sitting beside the groom. My other cousin comes running to tell me how cute 'that guy' beside the groom is. In the next 15 minutes, she had managed to take all the information out and find out his name and place as well. A little later, I have my superly social mother call me and introduce me to some random people including 'that guy's' mum and 'that guy' and his brother. And just when I am done exchanging pleasantries with 'that guy's' mum and turn to say Hi to 'that guy', I notice a bunch of my other overtly excited teenage cousins nudging me and smiling at him. I still remember how awkward that moment was, and you could see 'that guy' loving every inch of it. He knew that all that attention was coming for him and began some random cute conversation with his brother, aloud. To be honest, I found the mom quite a snob. And 'that guy', dumb.

For the next whatever number of days my cousin was living with me, she would only rant about him. She in fact, got a key chain made of his name. Can you beat that!?! She was always crazy. Now, she is married to her Internet boyfriend.

After about a year or two, I see a familiar face looking back at me in the same way, at some random wedding. Thanks to my overtly social mother. And the round of hellos and hugging follow to fat aunties, sweet uncles, decked up girls and shy boys. My mother sends me to get her a glass of water and I come back to another random aunty and uncle, she is talking to. Once again, I am introduced to that 'snob aunty'. Wow. So, the face that that gave me i-am-familiar-with-you smile at the water cooler was 'THAT GUY'. Yes, he looked cute. He was cute after all, but he has a very very funny nose. The 'snob aunty' was a bitch. She introduced me to her husband as my mother's FUCKING SISTER, and then, "Oh! Sorry, Daughter." I could have punched her in the face. Just because I am fat and my face looks beaten up right now, does not mean I am 40! You fucking pretentious whore! I turn around and 'that guy' and I look at each other again. I sensed some stupid connection. And it felt nice.

After some months, I was chatting with my superly excited cousin. She had apparently gotten over him. Told her how I saw him at that wedding. She thought I had a thing for him too. I denied. It was not a complete lie, I would say. I did not crush for him. But, there was something. The kind of feeling you get when you think, this thing is more than just looking at each other at random weddings.

Then, after some years, came orkut. On a boring late night, I looked up for him. It was strange how I still remembered his name. I saw he had a blog. Checked it out and commented on it. From then on, we shared comments on each others' blogs. I knew whose blog I was commenting on. I don't think he did. We had our arguments. We had our agreements on our blogs. It tells you more about a person's mind. Then too, I never fell for him or felt attracted. Gradually, I stopped blogging and so did he. The comments stopped. The only direct connection with him was broken.

Some years later came Facebook and I noticed him on my cousin's husband's list. The first wedding where we had met. I check out his profile and find him in a different continent. He is in the same field as I am. This did interest me. Lucky me, he never had privacy settings. I could see all his wall posts and know not much but, vaguely about him and his life. In between, I meet my cousin and her husband with my mother. Over the years my mother and the 'snob aunty' have become friends. And my mum seems to be enquiring about 'that guy's' marriage. Yes, my mom is quite a match fixer too. She is always getting someone married. I guess, this comes from her being so overtly social and also being liked and trusted. I am a proud daughter of my mother.

I come back home and check his profile again. I do that for some one week and tadah! He is coming back to India. He he he. His wall posts told me that. ;) I also sort of found out that he is probably shifting back. Not too sure of that. Also, through his posts, I almost found that he has a girl fried or had and who she was/is. I cursed her. Prayed to God to conspire and make him meet me this time properly so that we become friends.

Gosh. After all this, I feel like a stalker. And for what? What the hell was I cursing/praying for? NO. I am not attracted to this man. I am NOT crushing on him. I am NOT in love with him. I am NOT... argh. What is it? It is confusing. Frustrating. Annoying. Fun. Gives me stupid teenage kick. Makes me giggle at myself. Makes me feel like a stalker, yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Okay. I have an answer. Of all the people from my 'community', he is the one who so far fits my comfort the most, which makes him more 'marriageable' to me, according to me. He is from my community. Yes, such is my love for my mother that as my age increases, this thing is being drilled into me like crazy. We belong to the same field of work. He drinks. Yes. He gets a bonus point here. He is decent looking, except for the nose. The nose is HUGE n WEIRD. It almost covers his face. He has a younger brother who looks like, he will be allot of fun to have a brother-in-law as. LOL @ myself. And, the mothers know each other. Though I doubt she will like me. Stupid Snob Aunty. Actually, for that matter, if I am having an arranged marriage I doubt any of these dominating 40-50 year old women would like me for their sons. They might just accept me because of my mom. Everyone loves my mom. *Proud of you mommy. How do you do this?*

So, I have been contemplating of re starting my blog and leave a comment on his blog to start a conversation once again. Sounds weird to me too. I am scaring myself. I feel psychotic after saying this, because I am stalking someone without a reason. Wow! What a brilliant time pass to have for almost a decade now. Gosh. I have no idea what I will do. And I definitely have no idea what plans does God have. But, it is this feeling inside of me that says, we will meet again. I just know it inside of me. This feeling is bloody strong, which is why I get restless and do whatever stalking I have done. There is something. What? Time will tell. And if it is 'nothing'. I will laugh it off because all said and done. 'That guy' makes me feel like a superly excited teenager crushing on the guy in the class opposite hers. It is fun not knowing him yet finding out about him. Not being attracted to him yet praying to meet him. Not knowing what this connection, this feeling is, but believing in it. He does make my life exciting. ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

2010-03-07T01:40:00.001-08:00

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"What?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"Yeaah."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Hi5!"
"Hi5!"
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."
"Muaah."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On days like these...

2010-03-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.
"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"
"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."
"No hugs available.
Burger - Not in the mood.
If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."
"Okay."

After about an hour.

"Where are you?
"Home. Where else?"
"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."
"Uh.. Okay."

10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.
"Hi."
"Hi. You needed a hug na..."

Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.
"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."

Later after that call.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Sure it is just work?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."
And G and I hang up.

Five minutes later, phone beeps.
"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."

Some things can never change between me and G.

It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are just there for you.

Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Hanging around!

2010-02-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

"You want to sit outside and drink?"
"Outside is good."
"There you go..."
She passed the bottle of Bacardi to me.
As we sat in silence sipping white rum from the bottle, smoking our cigarettes on a cold winter night, there was this beautiful silence we shared.

"So, tell me something, L?"
I knew this was going to be a fun night.
"Well, there is not much to me. Except for my recent break up."
"I still haven't understood why did you break up... but... yeah... whatever."
We take another shot.
She continues, "So, G is the only man you have slept with?"
"Yes. And you?"
"Well, I have slept here and there but as of now I am on a dry spell."
"Well, I am sure I will be on that soon."
"Oh Shut up! Yours has just been a month."
"Exactly! And I have no idea when am I getting it next."
"Oh... that way."
"So, whats the scene with your ex?"
"Creepy. I was juvenile and then I just grew up but he didn't."
"Hhhmmm. What about the other men?"
"Well, I have had things here and there but no relationships."
"Okay."
"This one time, this guy went on and on about how he is so good in bed so I decided to give him a shot. It was the longest I had a sexual relationship with somebody."
"For?"
"For some three months. But I had a deal with him that he was not supposed to fuck any other woman except for me. And he was like, 'So, how is this not a relationship?' I was confused but yeah, i did not want to be just another woman he fucks around with. The moment he decides to get over with this or wants to fuck someone else, either of us, this 'thing' between us would be over. And that was that."
"Thats neat."
"Yeah. I did not want any strings attached."
"I guess I do too and that is why I made the decision that I did."
"I was also dealing with my break up."
"Yeah. And it always takes a random fuck to make things easier."
"That is what we all like to believe but trust me, it never works."
"What are you talking? I have been excited about that bit the most, post break up."
It was time for another 'Cheer's' with a burst of laughter at that moment.
"But really, it does not work."
"I know it doesn't. I am done with sex."
"Same here. Making out is fun but sex is...."
"It can be boring. Making out is the funner part."
"I realised this while having sex with this one guy. I just wanted to get over with it."
"Happens. Just so many times. You wait for your man to cum and just get done with it."
We light up another cigarettes.
"But are you looking for a relationship?"
"I do not mind having one, now. But I do not think I am a relationship person."
"Fuck! I think the same." We hi fived.
"The initial bit is fun..."
"The phone calls. The flirting. The mystery. But later it just gets..."
"Yeah. Why can't relationships last that way."
"Sigh. How I wish they did."
"Maybe I am not interested in a relationship at all."
"I for one am NOT."
We sat in silence, thinking about what we just spoke.
"I think its hitting me. You?"
"Not yet."

And then from nowhere,
"Do you want to get married?" It really had hit her.
"My parents really want me to."
"Do you?"
"Not for the next 10 years, I guess."
"No wonder they want you getting married."
"Well, according to my dad, at 25 you should have kids."
"Biologically yeah."
"Yeah. But that is not my plan."
"You do not want kids?"
"I do. But only when I am done slogging my ass off and have worked enough as per my satisfaction."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to be a full time mother whenever that maybe."
"I have a feeling you will make a good mother."
"If only I am able to give them what I have planned. I would like to give every second of my life to my kids and see them growing every minute in front of my eyes and not some nanny's."
"You want to give up your career completely later?"
"Well, maybe not completely, but to a great extent, yes. This is something that i can think of because this is what I have seen. I have had my mother 24/7 with me. Why would I not want to be with my children all the time? I consider mothering a full time job which needs to be given justice."
"Wow."
":)"
"But you do not have to marry to have a kid?"
"Yeah. I don't but I would like to. I would like having a partner with whom I can grow too. It is not going to be the kid growing alone in the house, after all."
"Do you like somebody else?"
"Not at all."
"Do you wanna fuck somebody?"
"Well, I was just mentioning this to my best friend, like a Fuck Buddy, but on a serious note, I do not. Told you, done with the sex bit."
I have touched myself only once in the past 1 1/2 months since I last had sex with G in Goa.

His friend joined us. We rolled. We smoked. We got stoned. We hogged. We slept.

But WTF do we women really want? No sex? No relationships? Kids? Marriage? Work? Biological systems? Sociological systems? What exactly is it that we are looking for? Forget about men, Will a woman ever know the answer to this or are we always going to hang around fucking our heads or just compromise on life taking it as it comes?

Life is fucking complicated for a woman.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

And so....

2010-02-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

"L, Are you okay?"
"Of course I am. Will you guys stop making a big deal out of it?"
"Look, if you want any kind of sympathy or support, we are there....", they could not say that properly and burst into laughter.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous post. It was quite a mental turmoil but I have figured out what is it that I need and would be right for me at this point of time, which meant a Break up. Yes, this Blog which began more than a year back talking about anything and everything concerning G, including details of our Sex Life, has now come to a sweet end for now.

We talk. We are still friends. There maybe some who may not believe in friendships beyond a break up, but we do. We still love each other and still talk the way we always do. We are still there for each other in the way we always have. We have not lost each other. We are still precious for each other. You can not let go off of such a strong bond in a jiffy. And I do not want to either. We are great together and shall remain great.

For those who maybe confused as to why then did I break up if everything has to remain the same, including the love for each other. As a friend said "you could not take the pressure of a 'label' of being in a relationship", is untrue as many of you may assume. The relationship was anything but a pressure on me. I do know that this big decision has been a selfish one but being in the relationship disheartedly for his sake would be unfair to him too. And by God's grace we share a relationship that is so free that I could afford to talk to him about this and take this decision, and the love so strong that he understood or maybe just pretended to for my sake.

All I know is that this is something I wanted for my personal self. There was something eating me up inside. There was something I can not explain but only understand. There was something telling me this would make a difference to the way I am feeling, and it has. I for some reason am feeling freer, feeling good about myself. I am able to see hope in my future once again. Dream again for self. Love myself more again. Not like all of this would not have been possible with him around but it just was not happening despite trying. But now, it is and I feel greater than before. Feeling this good would not have been possible if G would not have understood my situation. I honestly could not find a better guy. He is.... Chuck it. I do not want to put him in words and trivilise it. He is THAT good. He is my biggest support and will always remain that. If he did not stand by this decision of mine, I would be trapped in my own viscious web.

Thank you for being who you are. For being who you are to me. I may not want to face it on a daily basis but I Love you loads and feel a loss, but I am sorry. I surrendered in front of myself. I really was not able to cope with my own self. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did not mean being one of your exes. I just ......

I Love you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses

Stop Fucking with My Head!

2010-01-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

Can not get myself to write this post for reasons I may know or may not. I guess I do. Yet I will.

As I listen to 'Hey ya' from Karthik Calling Karthik for the nth time today, I am writing something which I seem to be making a big deal of in my head for the past few days, maybe even weeks. Right or Wrong? Needed or Not? Over Reacting or Important? Just can not figure this out.

Why is it that when relationships are not perfect yet we choose to stay in them. Is it because we are hoping against hopes or because we just want to be in that relationship? What if this case is slightly different. Everything is perfect but you may not want that relationship? Maybe it is not about the partner but you.

Everything IS perfect between me and G. The relationship. The understanding. The conversations. The love. The commitment. The loyalty. The friendship. The trust. The sex. Just everything so perfect. I have not fallen out of Love with him either yet....

We have spoken, rather I have spoken of going on a break several times and tried too. The break would end before it commences. I love to have him in my life. But I do not want a relationship in my life right now, maybe. It is a big thing that I am saying right now. I have no idea what are going to be the repercussions of this. I may get all depressed after actualising my decision or may get really happy. Can not figure that out. When in deep thought, I do think I really want to be single but as time passes in that thought I feel I am happy in the relationship, nothing is wrong then why get out of it? What I want and What I have is just so messed up. I want no relationship but I have a relationship which is just so smooth, there is by God's grace just NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with it. What do I do in such a situation?

Maybe I know what I want but I stop myself thinking that it would sound just so stupid and I would end up hurting somebody I really Love. And that is something I do not want to do. I Love him still. Like hell and Like loads. Just because it is great, does that mean I should continue when I do not want to? I feel like having no relationship. Just be single.

It may not be this relationship but I feel tied down inside. And that is the reason why I am letting go of everything in my life, including this relationship. I have a feeling or maybe it is some psychological shit that I will feel freer when out of this relationship. I hate to feel this way, specially because to a great extent this relationship has helped me reach where I am. It has given me the confidence, support and encouragement that I needed desperately.

I guess I am clear, I hate to let him go. I will feel a great void in my life but I need to do this to myself. This is superly selfish but I am sorry G, I know you understand when I say I need to do this for myself. If we do not remain friends, it will be difficult for me to survive because I can not live without you in my life. It is just the whole 'relationship' thing that I do not want. You have been a great Boyfriend. Someone who would be great to introduce to your folks and then spend an entire lifetime cracking stupid jokes, actually good ones. Watch great shows and movies together. See more places, like we have done in the past. Have great sex all the time. Understand each other's professional and personal space just so frigging well. Get used to each other. But I just feel the need to turn onto a new leaf in life. You have always always been there to take care of me. Hear my smallest and stupidest of things. I am feeling stupid to have written all of this. But writing this was important. I would never be able to come to a conclusion if I did not write this. Having said this, I realize, NO. Writing this was not a good idea after all, I feel confused all over again.

:|

When will I DECIDE?

When I try clearing the confusion, I feel I should give up the relationship and start a beautiful life with myself, which I need to. And just when I am finalizing my decision I feel stupid about it and want to stay in the relationship, which makes me think about the relationship all over again, followed by the confusion and tadah! Here I am trapped in this vicious circle.

Argh.

I need to talk to G about this. Should I?

Kisses.

Gifted

2010-01-14T08:26:00.001-08:00

"Can you all please shut up?", she screamed.
But we continued laughing.
In the midst of hysterical laughter on a lazy afternoon, another one interrupted.
"Don't you guys get it? She is with SH right now in the other room."
Apparently she was the only one who heard the entire screaming and understood what the screaming was for.
And the ignorant added, "So, what if she is with him in the other room?"
"His mother expired."
"Oh! I did not know that."
The funny one found this amusing,"Its okay man. If she is consoling him in the other room what has that got to do with what is happening in this room? And why are you guys reacting like this?"
"Because my parents are dead and I DO tend to get hyper on such things."

The room was filled with silence. The gloominess from the next room had travelled to this one.

An hour later, I see my mother's missed call.
"Listen! I have to choose 'Savings Bank' at the ATM na? And then?"
Despite having told her a billion times and she herself having it done some three-four times, her doubts surrounding technology will never die.
"Yes mom. And then your PIN and then the amount. Okay?"
"Okay. I am going to the ATM, if I have any problem out there. I will call you."
"Yes mom."
"And oh, please! Tomorrow is Solar Eclipse. Be careful. Do not touch any metals. Do not eat between 11:30 am till 3:30 pm. You can have fruits but no cooked food. Also do not eat...."
I was just too happy hearing her and feeling good about having a mother who maybe physically away, still is extremely concerned about even the smallest of things, to know what she continued warning for the next five minutes. Of course the smile on my face was also because of the funny situation where I am teaching her simple technology and she is talking me into myths.

Whenever I sit down to thank God. I have always and will continue to thank him the most for the people in my life. My parents, my friends, G and the people I am surrounded with for several reasons. But today was only more special. I feared losing them. My mom always told me to think of 'Death' everyday because according to her it makes the biggest loss a human being can face, just easier. Since then, I have tried facing and accepting death everyday. But I can not accept the hollowness that will come after that. I depend on her for so much more than emotional and worldly needs.

The relationship between a child and a parent is truly God's greatest gift. He may never ever never ever never ever make any child let go off the most beautiful thing that He himself ever created.

I have hardly stayed with my father all through my life and I always complained to God about it but it is only today that I can not stop thanking Him for he has at least given me a father who cares and is always there for me. He, who can show his love, even if it means virtually.

I am gifted. Gifted with the best gift, Mom and Papa. Today, I thank God for my biggest gift, strength, something that really is 'FOREVER N EVER N EVER'.

Who says Love dies?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

YAWN!

2009-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Honor-esty!

2009-11-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

"So he slept in the Drawing Room", in the most expectant voice.
"Well... No. The first day we were all watching movies in my flat mate's room, so we slept there..."
"And the next day in the Drawing Room?", now her voice getting firm.
"No. In my room. On the Floor mattress." Both being a lie. We slept on my bed after exhaustive sex for those two days.

She decided to hang up on hearing my last line and not talk.

What is with Honesty, after all? Is it difficult because it is hard to admit or is it harder to accept? Maybe both. The fact that it is so hard for others to accept that others find it difficult to admit. Probably that is the reason why most of the honest people nowadays are considered 'blunt' and sometimes even 'ill-behaved' because they do not care whether you accept it or not.

For me, honesty has always been a matter of Self Honor. Be proud of what you have done else do not do it. This being the reason why I have never believed in lying except for times when I know it would hurt my mother or my sister. Also, I know I would want to tell them as soon as possible, at the closest right time.

So, this time, there were no secrets. G was coming for the weekend. He was staying with me. He is my boyfriend, everyone knows from day one, anyway. But, my sister thinks it is difficult for a couple to stay in one room and not get physical. And that is precisely what got her upset. Despite her long lectures and explanations about how G and I should not sleep in one room because 'it is different when your friends sleep with you and when your boyfriend does', he did sleep in my room and I did not lie.

The funny thing is, I hid my previous trips to G from them. My virginity is a secret and shall remain for some time. My mother hopes I will break up with G and ultimately marry a nice Muslim boy of her choice. What the truth is is still hidden.

Am I completely being honest? Do I have the balls to face the repercussions of these truths? Is this a question to my personal principles or am I exaggerating?

What makes people uncomfortable with letting out truth at any point of time to anybody, is that you will not be comfortable taking it in. Honesty, in actuality is as easy as you make it. But then how far does comfort decide the extent of honesty? I may let out all that I want to on this Blog, yet my identity remains in the dark and I am not even comfortable letting it out.

Funny how honesty plays around with you making you look like a big jerk in any situation, whether it is where you are lying or one where you are 'blunt' or just calculating how much is to be let out. Honesty is a bitch! And Honor? Fuck it!

P.S. - This had to be a post about G and his beautiful short trip to see me, but unfortunately things do not go the way you plan them. Sometimes you are thinking of something and something else would fuck up your mind to the extent of overtaking your original emotions that were meant to be expressed.

Con-NEcT-ed

2009-10-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

It was time. It was past eleven. My play list was set. I had my Beer Mug in hand. The froth of my Cold Coffee looked tempting, as always. Only this midnight, it was going to be a Banana Shake and not the usual Cold Coffee.

G: whers ur cold coffee?
me: on a banana diet today
so only milk n banana for 2 days
G: r u like a diet conscious person?
me: noh.. i need to lose weight cos im genuinely over weight!
im not d 'oh my god... my weight!!!' kindda chic
G: u dnt look overweight
me: but i am.... :)
G: didnt gt ur last msg
me: but i am ovr weight.. :)
G: women think even 50 kgs is overweight
me: and im not evn close to it!!
:P
G: below or above?
me: i definitely dont look mal nourished do i??
G: no, bt u look 55, nt more than that, atleast from wat i can see
me: i love 'half' pictures :)
G: lol ok
me: :)
d secret remains... :)

*************************************************************************************

M: can i ask u something
something tells me
or i have a strong gut instinct
that u are quite tall
me: LOL.
You have funny instincts. :P
M: cos its true
and i totally love
tall fair girls
with long hair
hahahaa
:)
me: What if I have none of these attributes?
M: i still love u
:)
as my luscious
its who u are that matters
the amazing person inside person
the person inside u that attracted me
nt ur looks
u can be a waitress or the princess of london
yet u'll always be ma girl
me: It really sounds better in books.
M: no babes
trust a guy when he says this
me: 'trust a guy'
Ok.
And why so?
M: :)
cos u will always know when a guy says these things
u dont need to trust him
when he says
ur bful
or ur wonderful etc
it mite simply mean
u have big boobs and i wanna sleep with u
but
when he says
i dont care who u are
but i'll still love u
it means he really means it
and he cares abt u
so trust a guy when he says this
lol

*************************************************************************************

G and I chatted every night and in no time were the 'most beautiful people' in each others lives with he having seen my 'deceptive half picture' and me having my own idea of his height weight looks. But we knew we had something.

*************************************************************************************

After a continued long discussion on Internet relationships with M, a fellow Blogger.

M: wait
so where does all the " knowing him so well" go ?
rite
can u really tell
me: It takes a life and yet you will nvr knoe everything abou a prson
It is just about being comfortable, that is it.
M: exactly
absolutely
bang on target
being comfortable
being urself near him
u dont need to know him
if ur like that
u mite as well as teach him a few moves
to satisfy u physically or emotionally, if needed ;)
u wont feel hesitant
cos ur so much urself and comfortable with him
me: True but it depends on an individual how do they work on their relationships.
M: yea... :)

*************************************************************************************

Though G may have thought, 'Oh Fuck! She looks bloody overweight', when he first saw me. The point is WE are Con-NEcT-ed. And that is the something we have. And that is what works for us.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Break Point

2009-10-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

"Where are you?"
"Right there. On the stairs."
"I do not see you. Okay, I think I can see you..."
They saw each other, smiled and put their cellphones back.
"Hi L!", extending his hand.
"Hello!", as my chirpy self and we shook hands like two clients meeting for
the first time to discuss a grand marketing deal. Not like we were any better. We were ex lovers meeting for the first time.

"Shit! I can not believe I am sitting here with you."
I smiled thinking he was over reacting.
He gave that look again.
"Relax S! Do you want me to pinch you?"
"Wow!"
Okay! So, I was really in a relationship with HIM!
"So, How are you?"
"I am ecstatic. I am sitting with you here. What do you expect?"
Wow! So, someone could be that excited to see me that his ear to ear smile would not compress? Alright! He was always 'too into me'. And that was precisely the reason that drew me away from him.
"What will you have?"
"Coffee?"
"WHAT!? We meet for the first time and you want to have just coffee? You will have to eat something."
Phew! I am so happy this is not a date.
"I really do not want to. You order what you want to have."
"I did not have lunch thinking we will have it together."
"It is 16:30."
"So?"
"Umm. Okay. Lets order."
We take some 10 minutes to decide what counter to go to at the Food Court. And finally when he gets into a line.
"Will you have x?"
"No, thank you S."
"Okay. Will you have y?"
"No S."
"Z?"
"S!",giving him one of those stern GrandMa looks.
"No. This is not fair. You will have to eat something.", dancing like a stubborn kid who wants that toy else he will sit right there on the floor and cry for it.
Helplessly,"S!"
He tries one of the most pathetic puppy dog faces I have ever seen.
"Ice Cream! And that is it!"
He finally ordered. Phew! It was a task, I swear!
We sat on our table and once again came that look. Someone slap me for coming here!
"This is for you.", sliding a small packet with a card towards me.
"What is it?"
"A present for you."
"Why?" Do we women love this or what.
"Just like that."
"No S. I am sorry. I can not accept it."
"Look at it first at least. It is nothing great." WHAT!? TAKE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!
"No S." Has any woman accepted a gift willingly no matter how desperately she wants it? Acting pricey comes naturally, like breasts.
After 5-10 minutes of being a typical woman, he takes the gift. WTF! I knew I was overdoing it. Darn!
He opened it himself and took out a shining Gold bracelet. Fuck!
"No way. I just can not accept this."
And he tries to push it on my wrist.
"S... S..." Looking at it more carefully, Oh! What was he thinking? It would have looked better in Silver.
"S... I really can not take this."
"Now, stop all this. This is not even expensive if you are thinking that." Err... Okay.
"S... Please. This is not needed."
"This is not even real." Whoa! O-K-A-Y. You do not really talk about your own gifts like that. Do you?
"S!"
And he almost started dancing in the same way sitting on his chair.
"Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. It is beautiful." Argh. How much do I hate formalities. They only teach you how to lie.
And the food came.
And he started to feed me his food. Alright, now this is too much embarrassment for me to take in one day. Thank goodness I was in a different country which I would not return to for long, at least, if not never.
"So, how is F?"
"Oh! She is good."
"Why didn't you bring her? I would have loved to meet her."
"She is out of town."
"Okay."
Changing the topic, "You are very bad, L. You are meeting me today when you are leaving tomorrow. Get your ticket cancelled."
"I can not. I have work."
"This is very unfair."
"I am sorry but I was here for a very short while, anyway. Yet I managed to call and meet."
He was about to start his whining and dancing when I interrupted, "So, How are things between you and F?"
"Not great. We are having too many fights. It is getting difficult."
"Marriage?"
"I do not know."
"What do you mean, you do not know? What about your parents?"
"What? What about them?"
"It is an arranged thing, no?"
"No."
"No? Then what was that long story about your mom seeing F in some gathering and fixing you up with her?"
"She was interning at my office."
"O-K-A-Y." What a Bastard! I always knew he lied to me, and that innocent face! He deserved what I gave him then. Huh.
He went on with his entire love story, "But it does not seem to be working out."
"Relax. Fights happen. It will work out. She sounds like a nice girl and you are a nice guy too. You both will make it happen." He actually aint that bad as a person.
"You think I am a nice guy?"
"Yes. I am sure."
"Thet n why did you leave me the way you did?"
"Look, that was a sort of a mistake. I was not too sure. I just did not know where this was going."
"We were together for four years. We had so much between us and you thought it was going nowhere? What did I not give you? What was missing, after all?"
Oops. Wrong topic. Someone save me! But honestly, I really wanted this to get cleared between us. Probably this was my main motive to meet him. To get it cleared once and for all, face-to-face.
"Nothing. You were very nice to me. You loved me allot."
"Exactly. Yet?"
"Look, I did not see this working out sitting in two different countries, chatting all our lives. And then I had different priorities."
"I told you I will let you do what you want to."
"It is easier said than done, S."
"L, if you tried and if you loved me enough, this would have worked."
"You think I did not try? Every time I was confused about our relationship and wanted to break up. I'd come back running to you, making efforts to make it work. We had everything. Everything was perfect."
Holding my arm tight in anger, "Then what? What was wrong?" I thought I would never be able to answer him that question until this moment in our conversation. I could have easily screamed G's name then. I had skipped too many heartbeats, scared of the man sitting opposite to me, now.
I was taken aback with his physical reaction or rather taken into that I had no reaction of my own.
"Look, you have no reason. You did not treat me right."
"I am sorry for what I did. I know I should have not run away from the relationship the way I did."
"If you would have talked to me, would I not understand? I always did, didn't I? Why did you have to cut all modes of interaction. Not replying to my mails, calls, pings, SMSs, nothing, whatsoever."
"Look, I am sorry. It was a naive move. I should not have done it. I should have spoken to you. You understand me really well. In fact, I still thing, no one understands me the way you do."
"Do you regret your decision?"
"Yes."
"Good. You better."
"I am sorry. Please. Really.", almost about to cry out of desperation. Desperate to get done with this situation, not to seek forgiveness.
"Would you marry me if things do not work out with F?"
"Ok, So I am your back up now?"
"No. You were my woman. The woman I wanted to live my entire life with, but you also happened to be the woman who hurt me the most, who betrayed me."
"S..."
"Anyway... Would you?"
"What about G, then?"
"Oh! Yeah, I forgot.", giving a disgusted look, he turned his face away.
"Lets see... Could I fit you....", smiling.
"Why would there be a place for me?"
"If things do not work out with G and if you are able to convince my parents, then maybe."
"Really?"
I nod.
"I'd do anything to be with you. To keep you happy. To..." Uh Oh! Wrong topic, again.
I smile, "Fine. When the situation arises then we would talk about it. And just in case it does not, we will have an extra marital. Deal?"
"No ya. F is a nice girl. I do not want to cheat on her."
Okay. So you think you are one Greek God who deserves to cut the cake, have it and save some in the fridge for the next day too.
"Alright. Enough of good talks and bad talks. We should leave."
"We just met."
"Its been over two hours. Someone is coming to meet me. I have to go."
"This is not fair. Give me your ticket. I am getting it cancelled."
"S. Stop acting like this. At least we met. Something we thought would never happen."
"I did not. You did."
"Fine. I did.."
"And that is why you left me."
"S..."
"Fine. I do not want us remembering our meeting with these conversations."
"Exactly. Now, shall we leave?"
We rise to leave, "L?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I please hug you?"
"Ofcourse."
It was our first hug. I contemplated kissing on his cheek, but did not. Just didn't.

I have not been happier of a decision in my life. Breaking up with him after a long 'why do I want to break up' discussion never worked. I always cried and ran back to him within minutes with virtual Yahoo! hugs and kisses. I really was attached to him. He treated me like a Princess. He still would. He just knew how to treat his Lady Love like a Queen and spoil her till she started dancing like him. But this was not going to work for me in the future. I had known this for long. I knew he wanted an early marriage. I did not even know if I wanted one. He was in one country and I in another. We could meet or even make it work without meeting, but would that give me personal satisfaction? It was not working for me. It was not going to work for us. I knew it. And I had to stop wasting my time in such a relationship.

Why hold onto something that would give me nothing but would take allot from me and the other person? I had to stop this and I did. I blocked him from my life, mind, heart, which was not easy but blocking him on the Internet and ignoring his calls and SMSs made it easier. And with time it faded until I realized this was not a mature way to go about it or maybe when I felt emotionally stronger to face him again, only to find out his marriage is fixed with F. I cried to just get the shock out of my system.

My friend once said, "L, you think you will walk up to him after a year and he would still be there for you?" I fought over confidently. I knew he would. He was the sorts. Apparently, he was not. I did not feel a deep loss, just a bolt to my humongous ego. That is it.

Because this, undoubtedly, was so far the best decision I had ever taken for myself. The second was G. I am happier in life. I know what I am doing. And doing it effortlessly. Loving every bit of it.

Sorry S, I lied. I do not regret. WTF!? Did I really say 'yes' to him on that? Fuck Fuck Fuck! SLAP SLAP SLAP!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Killer!

2009-07-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

"I Love you and that too loads. (Please do not freak out, just having one of those I-Love-you-so-much days :P)" Message succesfully sent to G.

"Oh, you know I tried fighting with him yesterday, acting all pricey and he was shooo shweet. He kept calling back. Kept asking what happened. Was so concerned..."

"That is because you still have not crossed 6 months."

"I was talking to him in monosyllables. He asked me 'you do not want to talk?' And I said 'No', so he kept 'I Love you-ing' me."

The elder one jumped, "My guy! If I say No, he would say 'OK'."

"Better still, my guy would say a 'Hurray!' before the Bye, if I said 'No' to talking to him, with a little 'Thank you' too."

"Aww. Cho mean!"

There was a time when we were thick. Maybe we still are, somewhere. My two cousins still consider me extremely close to them but I seem to be moving away.

It is not just them. It is everybody. Maybe my blog too. I guess, living alone does not suit me. It kills me, professionally and personally, both. I hardly find people nice. I seem to have a problem with each one of them. And more so, cause I think they have a problem with me.

Trying hard to break free. Wake up with an attitude to kill, but once I am out of the house, I realize I left my sword behind. Have nothing to fight with.

Every single thing said by every single person irritates me. I want to shut myself in and yet be out fighting it. Because I do not like it. I do not want it.

No idea whether I am sinking or just floating in the middle of a deep blue sea.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Petty Privacy!

2009-06-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Chatter: Yeah. Anyway R, I was saying...You and I will have to also part ways
me: Why?
And firstly, Why have you been referring to me as R since yesterday?
Chatter: Because when I am talking to you I feel that i am talking to her behind a different veil. You maybe a third person completely...but every time I talk to you, I feel as if she is nearby.
Forgetting someone you like, is not easy, and having you close won't help.
me: Alright.
Chatter: Thanks
me: Are you sure?
Chatter: Yes
me: Anything that makes you comfortable. :)
I am there whenever you want to talk.
I am always there as a friend, whenever you need. :)
Chatter: Thanks...take care
me: You too.
I will miss you.
Chatter: Now don't make me cry...go
:P
me: LOL.
I really liked talking to you.
Chatter: So did I
me: You were a good friend.
Anyway, things always do not go as we plan.
Whether it is your plan of spending an entire life with R.
Or me making great friends with you.
:)
Take Care.
Resource Humans well. ;)
All the Best.
Chatter: ha ha..sure :P
cya
me: Bye.
Chatter: Bye.

For the next ten days I resist not pinging my favorite Blogger Online Friend. The only one whom I hit it off immediately in the first few conversations. Conversations so free flowing, comfortable and random that the last time I felt this way chatting with somebody was when G and I had hit it off. But much to my delight, Chatter pinged me and the old days seemed to come back. We chatted the way we did. We never discussed his past love, R, for another one month.

Chatter: So I guess its goodbye then
me: I really do not know what to say.
Chatter: You don't have to...the choices we make...our actions speak a lot in themselves
Its ok
me: I guess you should know how weird it is to receive mails like the one you sent.
And to be brutally honest with you, This is not a fair way to treat me.
Anyway, to each to his own.
Chatter: mails?
me: I do not think I want to say much.
Yes.
The one you sent a few days back.
("This is the deal, I feel u r my 'R' parading around with a diff name...but I could be wrong also. If u r not the same person, and you really want me to be around, then please do reveal your real identity...

if you can't and i can appreciate your reasons please do remember me in good light

god bless")
Chatter: Have you imagined what it is like to have loved and lost
to have imagined ones life with someone
to have seen the possibility
and then seen the light go out
just because I am smiling does not mean I am okay.
I am just trying to preserve my sanity now.
me: I understand.
But does that give you the right to hurt people?
Chatter: But how did I hurt you?
I asked you if you felt I was friend enough to know your real identity
and you chose not to tell me about it.
me: This is not the first time you have said you do not want to talk because you think I maybe R.
It is irritating.
And hurtful to see people coming and talking to you whenever they want to and then face their mood swings.
Chatter: That i agree is my fault....for therein lies an assumption i made...that you were her and there was stuff you'd rather say to me as sealed lip than her
so for me it was talking to the same person
not different people
me: Whatever.
I know what you are talking.
But ... forget it.
I do not think I see any point in saying anything further.
Chatter: I agree the point was actually quite simple...am I a friend enough for you to tell your real identity...
and your answer
is no
has been no
and that is that
whatever points you raised are fair...but are not the real point
That one thing would have solved a whole lot more
No secrecy
No assumptions
me: The point is a friend is expected to respect your privacy, whatever level you want to hold.
In case it is difficult for you to respect who I am, I do not think there lies a point at all.
Chatter: I do...and till I didn't have a need of knowing that the two people were same or different
I didn't push that point
But now I need to
me: You can not force me to tell or do something. Can you?
And if you intend dong that, please answer, is that respectful?
Chatter: No but I can request and depending on what you choose to do, I have to make tough choices, you think i like losing friends? you are somebody i can talk to and connect to...I must be really pushed to my limits to have to do something like this...wouldn't I?
Now u tell me
What should I do?
Being a friend is also about taking responsibility for your friend's smile...
Is your privacy so earth shatteringly more important than my smile?
Hey gtg
Please think about what I said
I beg of u
I don't want to loose you
I've lost enough already.

It is not for the first time someone on my Sealed Lip I.D. has forced me to reveal my identity. It is not for the first time I have had 'friends' saying Bye because I am not 'real' enough.

Here, is a different world, probably living a different life too. A different set of 'real' friends. A completely different set of emotions. A completely different profile. Just because it is all so different from my physical reality, it does not become unreal. Why is it always so hard for people to accept people as they are? How do we manage to find some 'worthy secret' or curiosity to ruin relationships? What is the level of privacy that all relationships should have, after all? Is the strength of a relationship directly proportionate to the amount of 'secrecy' unlocked?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - To all my dear Bloggers, I have not been regular because of Mood Swings and Business. Will be visiting your Blogs soon. Often I visit your Blogs, read but do not find the time to comment properly. Please bare with me. :) Thank you all. Kisses.

I got another Award. Thank you Ki! :)

All Night Long

2009-05-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

"What movie do you want to watch?"
"Some scary movie."
"K! I thought we grew up. Lights off. Alone at home. Scary movie. Is it still exciting?"
"Hell yes!"
Stare at her for 5 seconds and then spring up.
"Hell yeah, baby!"
Going through the three shelf DVD piles.
"Damn L! Your collection has not changed. We have been going through these movies forever. Khartoum. Lawrence of Arabia. Cleopatra. Argh. Scary!!"
"I want watch something like Chucky or Elm Street."
"Well, you do not have it."
"Fuck! I do not have scary movies, at all, ya."
"Lets watch Scream."
"Its not scary and you must have seen it."
"No."
"Everyone has seen Scream, K!"
"I know I am special. The usual never applies to me."
Her petite body lost in my T shirt does the 'usual' super star pose.

We settle on the floor, like old days.
Lots of pillows. Long. Soft. Hard. Heart shaped. All possible shapes and sizes.
A pack of Wills Navy Cut.
A cheap transparent green lighter.
A Mixer jug full to the brim with Costa Coffee-ish Cold Coffee.
A big bowl of Butter Pepper Popcorn, with extra butter.
Television Remote.
DVD Remote.
A.C. Remote.
And a sheet to cover us.

"Shit! It has Drew Barrymore."
"Yeah."
"Stupid woman! Not there! Shit... No... no..."
"K! If they do as we ask them too. There would be no scary movies."
And we spend the next 1.5 hours warning every single person running frantically trying to escape the killer. Guessing. Laughing. Fighting over the temperature of the A.C. Having Pop Corn and gulping the Coffee, which was worst than we thought it would be.

"He was the killer."
"I thought so too."
"L! You have seen the movie."
"Yeah! But you know I have terrible movie. I read the same book so many times not realizing I have read it earlier."
"Thank God for my good memory."
"Yeah right! It took you a decade to remember my right birthday."
"Oh! L..."
"Wow! Now what?"
"Behenchod The power had to go dating right now."
"Want some Chai?"
"Oh yes! That sounds great."

Sitting on the green granite with her legs folded, "L! You must have learnt how to cook now, na?"
"I knew how to make tea earlier as well, K."
"Yeah... Like you could make Tea, Maggie and that also you would not if I or Su were there."
"And jugs and jugs of Tang."
"Oh shit! Yeah!"
"You know, now those big tins of Tang are kept unused for months. It was so different some years back."
Picking our cups, we walk back towards the room.
"And only the two of us have remained with each other."
"Yeah."
"You know na, how I am, L? I would get lost and never stay in touch."
"Yes, but we have stuck around and will always do so."
"Cheers!"
"Cheers!"
Comfortable silences filling the room as we sip Tulsi tea.

"Okay! Never have I ever.... Kissed a girl."
"Never!"
"You are a Loser, L!"
"Yeah right, Lucky Bitch!"
"Your turn."
"Never have I ever worn bright colorful panties under light colored clothes to show them off."
She sipped her tea.
"We do not answer. We just sip our tea if we have."
"Damn! That way my tea will never get over."
"Ok. Never have I ever.... Wanted to have sex in public."
"Wanted? Yes."
She sipped.
"What the Fuck? Where?"
"Outside my ex's school after we went visiting it... And I have made out with this guy in my brother's girlfriend's balcony. And made out here.... there..."
The list was pretty long.
"Oh! Made out! Yeah, G and I made outside your ex's house. In his lift."
"Whoa! WTF!"
"Well, you guys were taking too long to come back home."
"L!"
"Yeah K!"
We laugh for the next five minutes rolling on the floor.
"OK. OK. Never have I ever..."
"Its my turn, K."
She offered me a cigarette.
"You know. I left, K."
"When did you start regularly?"
"Did. For some time. Now off it, completely."
"One for friendship? We have not fagged together in ages."
And she starts lighting for me after I shrugged in agreement.
"No! This time I will light for the two of us. You have always done it in the past."
"Okay."
As the first puff covers our face with smoke, I continue the game, "Never have I ever wanted to do another man in the presence of my boyfriend."
She sipped again.
"I told you my tea will never get over!"
"Never have I ever.... ever... uuummm.... ever.... done a stranger."
She sipped AGAIN!
"WTF!"
"I was stoned so we made out. And once I slept with this girl's boyfriend, who were from my college. She hates me!"
"D'uh K!"
"Fuck! I am sure something like this will happen to me as well. What goes around comes around!"
"Why? Why will this come back to you?"
"I have hurt her."
"Yeah right! Like her boyfriend hurting her was not enough."
"LOL."
"OKAY! Never have I ever...looked in a man's eyes while fantasizing about him."
And this time we both sipped. Fuck! The tea was cold now!
"Never have I ever tried anal."
We sipped.
"Have not we all?", I asked.
"What is with men and anal sex?"
"Yeah! Like the vagina is not enough."
"Did you like it?"
"To be very honest. I did not know where it was!"
"You too? Hah!"
Hi Five! And the thunderous clap brought back the Power.

"Oh! Good."
And we finished the trilogy by 6:30 a.m., guessing, laughing, screaming.

"Now, I am going to my Gym."
"Are you crazy? You will sleep on the Treadmill."
"I have not gone in like a week."
"No. Do not. Your body has not gotten rest."
"But I am fresh."
K walked towards the mirror.
"Come lets do some make up."
"Why are you like my sister?"
"Oh my God! Your sister also likes to do all of this?"
"Yeah! She too makes plans like you do about mid night make up sessions."
"Oh yeah L, remember, we decided we will do nice make up this time. Not like our first night stay when I did nice pink make up for you and you went and applied something green on your eyes."
"I was wearing green!", I cry defensively.
"If you are wearing orange baby, you do not apply orange all over your face and become all Orange."
"Oh! Lets go for a walk."
"Not when I only have my Peep Toes."
"Okay. Anyway, its been long since I slept in the morning."
And I crawl inside the bed sheet.
"No L! Make up!"
"At 7 in the morning? Are you okay?"
"Come on L! You know I have never let you sleep when we are together."
"Oh yes! Ain't no sunshine when he's gone..."
"Fuck! I kept you awake just because I wanted you to hear me sing this continuously for my crush then."
"And then you slept singing while I was still up!"
"Oh L!"
And she jumped onto the bed.
"We are travelling together this weekend. Its going to be fun."
"We have travelled earlier as well."
"Yeah! We will go shopping in the evening."
"Superb."
"Gosh! I want to have sex with G."
"You are so Monika, L."
"No! I am not even close to being a cleanliness freak."
"You are the one with a stable relationship. And I keep flipping like, Jennifer Aniston."
"No. I am Joey."
"I am always flipping."
"I want G."
"Fuck!"

I guess we had started Sleep Talking. We slept in no time.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

P.S. - It is only when I am terrible or ecstatic that I vanish. This time it was both. Please forgive me for not visiting your Blogs, will do so slowly and catch up. :)

Also, while I was absconding, my generous beautiful Blogger friend, The Pink Orchid, who on completing 100 posts did a complete Award Ceremony to honor her readers, bestowed upon me The Blogger Dudette Award and the This Blog is Hot Certification. Thanks allot Pink.

A Big Thank you to my dear Don't Be a Slut Blogger Friend, who handed over The Kreativ Blogger Award. It feels great when Awards come your way from your favorite Bloggers. Thank you Girls! You two made my day! Big Hug and Kisses.

Time to Face it!

2009-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'"
"What do you mean by a Hindi man?"
"A man who speaks Hindi."
"Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'"
"That sounds hot. Now answer it."
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Just got out of a shower."
"What is you weight?"
"Hello?"
"What is your weight, now?"
"Hello? I can not hear you G!"
"Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later."
"No. No. I can hear you, now."
"What is your weight?"
"I can not hear you again."
"You will lose your weight by my next birthday?"
"I guess."
"This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not."
"9!"
"10!"
"No 9!"
"10 1/2"
"No! 9!"
"L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11."
"Alright. Fine. I will lose."
"I can not trust you, ya."
"O.K."
"Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?"
"Yes."
"Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?"
"No. I am fine."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"No. You will die."
"Yes. But let us take a chance."
"No. No."
"Alright. I'll get on top of you?"
"Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much."
"Why are you getting all serious?"
"I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious."
"Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree
Sorry.
Saaree................................................................Sorry."
"You do not have to apologize, G. I am good."
"Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times."
"Why?"
"Just say it. It is allot of fun."
"No. It is not."
"Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn."
"O.K.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Sorry."
"Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'."
"No. I did not."
"Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks."
"Yeah right."
"Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks."
"Hmmm."
"Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Now give me 400 bucks."
"Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Thanks!

Learn those Moves

2009-04-24T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am up earlier than usual. Free time is always used for Blogging and I start up my system only to feel moist between my legs. His face on my desktop turned me on instantly with past flashes of our sweating sex. If only we were together I would have been on top of him riding for the perfect start of the day. But then, 'If' is merely a convenient word to make you feel the way you want to.

I move on to do what I had in mind. Read Blogs and maybe hunt some new ones too. The easiest way to do so is from the Comments Box. So, after I am done commenting on one of my Followed Blogs I notice a rather interesting comment. I hate advertisers invading Comment pages. So, now you know why the Comment moderation on my Blog. Mr. Commentator was a Writer of some 'Guide for the Good girls' kind of a 'Self Help' Book. Out of curiosity and expectation I visit his page imagining a page loaded with advertisements on both sides of his Blog posts. Blog posts which would be about Women, Men, his Books, Readers. Heated comments. Sweet comments. Thankful comments. Sorry comments. Only to discover a simple, no advertisement, no Blog page. All his page advertised was his own book and offered a CRASH COURSE for Dirty Divas. LMAO. I am extremely sorry but sounds like some extremely cheap low budget Porn Flick. And if it is an Indian one, then it would be 'Daartee Deevaah!' or maybe 'Devi gone Dirty'. Alright. Sleeplessness taking its toll. The page advertised how a woman does not know how to talk dirty. Get your free guide NOW! All that was needed to get the guide to 101 ways of becoming a bad girl from good, was your e-mail. Subscribe and bombard your Inbox with mails helping you become the new seductress and give your man that instant hard on.

I almost fell for it. Thankfully, I snapped back to senses within seconds. Why the fuck should I learn from you Mr. Unsatisfied how to talk to my man? Why should any woman pick up your book? Probably your woman was 'good' and did not know how to verbally stimulate you does not mean other women do not know it either.

I have forever been against Self Help books. Success. Money. Love. Sex. Relationships. Friendship. How to Train your Servant. 1000 Ways to steal your Friend's Husband away. Your guide to get rid off those Stalkers. There seems to be a Best seller User Manual available for everything. Do we need to be taught emotions now? Such books claim to teach and help you do something you already know. They just make you believe you do not know and that you are one incapable lazy ass! I have never understood HOW can you teach something like Dirty Talking to anyone? If you really want to get dirty verbally, our sexually active hormones help us. Always. They make you say the 'right' things, naturally. You will not have to flip the pages of a book to check what should you say next.

Sometimes, great dirty talking is an art. You have it or you do not. It can not be taught. And most importantly, the want to talk dirty has to come naturally, you can not just open the book and flaunt your newly learnt talent. It takes away all the fun from it. You have to be in a naughty mood. Not necessarily, sexual.

Apart from all the sex talk, dirty talking is also poop talk. His guide for the 'good' girls should probably teach women to talk comfortably about poop too. What is so 'Eeeoow' about Shit? Why can a woman not sit and enjoy a stupid detailed conversation about some body's 'lose' health? But walk out calling it gross. Probably he would not talk about Poop Talk in his book because he thinks women generally do not like talking about it. Or maybe they do not want to learn something they already know but chose not to indulge in. Just like sex talk.

I remember how S let out her bedroom secret and suggested P to talk dirty in bed. P was a clueless virgin who looked blank, "How do you do that?" We did not have an answer to her question. Simply because you will talk that way
a) If you want to.
b) If you are in the 'mood'. (Naughty. Sexual. Tease. They all qualify for 'in the mood'.)

No one can teach you to be sexy. YOU ARE SEXY. When you are with the man or woman you want to use all your moves on. You do. A fucking Book can not tell you when should you get on top of a man, bite his ear and say 'Make me crazy. Make me moan.' All, that book does is stare at you in the face and remind you of what an Incapable Lazy Ass you are. Self Help books mock you. Your potential. Your abilities. It goes not just for sex, but success too. Move that ass and you will have whatever you want. Wasting time to read HOW to be successful will only make you lose time.

Phew. Self Help Books make me crazy! Make me moan! out of rage.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

A Long Night

2009-04-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

"Hello."
"Yeah."
"Sorry!"
"For what?"
"For not talking to you today.
For not talking to you yesterday.
For not talking to you the day before yesterday.
For not talking to you for the past 10 days.
For not talking to you for the past so many years."
I had to smile. It was cute. Talk about women getting easily flattered!
The cold voice continued, "It is okay."
"No! Say more. I want you to take out all your anger. Scream. Shout. Punch. Slap me."
"No. It is OK." without a change in the tone.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing?"
"Are you going to sleep?"
"Yes. Maybe. Do not know."
"I am going out for dinner with my friend. I will call you back?"
"No. Let it be. We will talk tomorrow."
"Going to sleep? If not, then I will call you back."
"No."
"Fine. Then I will call you back. Bye Babe."
I hang up.
If he calls women 'manipulative', well, I can not defend myself, at least.

40 minutes later. Coldness does wonders. Gives you all the attention you have not got in a long time. ;)
"HI BABE!"
"Hi."
"Still mad?"
"Yes."
"Then take it out, no!"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I do not want to."
"Okay. Tell me, What is the worst question that I can ask you at this moment?"
"I do not know."
"Come on! Tell me."
"Asking me to forget it and let go off it?"
"Not a statement. A Question."
"Is my work done?"
"No. Something I ask more often. A question that is my favorite."
"What are you wearing?"
Strange, how he is deciding which of his questions is going to make me more mad at him. Huh. Of course him ignoring my anger and asking about my 'job' would make me angrier than him wanting to know what I am wearing! That actually makes me go pink from red than redder. (I guess he knew that! Huh. And he says 'Women are manipulative!')
"Yes! So, now that you have asked that yourself, answer it too."
"I have put the question. You answer it."
"What are you wearing?"
"I am not answering it. I am still angry."
"Right now, you almost forgot that you are angry."
"No. I did not! In fact, I do not even think we would be having this conversation if I did not let you know I am angry through my articulation. You would have instead, very conveniently called and said, 'L, I am so tired today. We will talk tomorrow.'"
"You know what? I actually came out to give company to my friends for dinner where I did not even eat because I had already had my dinner, just so that I could stay out and talk to you peacefully..... L, Lets talk tomorrow."
Okay! I, once again have said more than I should have.
After a good two minute silence.
"Sorry."
"Say it again."
"Sorry."
"Say it 15 more times. I apologized 17 times to you."
"Get Lost! I am not saying it one more time. My mistake is not bigger than yours."
"You have hurt me, Bitch. Apologize!"
"NOWAY!"
"Alright. 10 more times. I am giving you a discount."
"I have said 'Sorry' twice. Want it? Take it else lose those two also."
"Alright. Five more and answer 'What are you wearing?'"
"Too much. Not answering."
"Final on 3 and answer."
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
"What are you wearing?"
"Do you really expect me to be all dressed up at 1:00 a.m.? I am in my Night clothes."
"Nice. You should have been here."
"For what? To have you watch your sports every weekend and spend no time with me?"
"Come on L! If you are with any other normal guy, you will face the same problem. So no point dumping me for this reason. Also, with no other guy can you have a conversation like you do with me."
"Huh."
"You know this American student got raped?"
"Yes by her own friends."
Changing the topic when your girlfriend is not saying more than a word is the best move.
"Men are such bastards. Isn't it?"
"It is not just that. But sadly, it is the Indian male mentality which thinks it is easier to get a lay from a Foreigner. And when you do not get it, in a drunken state, you rape her. It is not the first case."
"All the bad that happens in this world is because of men."
Even better if you blame yourself or the entire male species for something. Invisible Brownie points!
"Exactly. You are so right, G."
"Men should be eradicated!"
"Completely! A Woman gets upset because of a Man. A Woman abuses another Woman out of jealousy and insecurity because of a Man. A Woman abuses the Man because of how he is. A Woman feels sad and disrespected because of a Man. Men are such a curse."
"There should be a button and all men should vanish."
"Totally. The world will become so clean, tidy, civilized and full of love."
"Men are clean."
"Please! They keep their plates where they eat. They also do not make the efforts of throwing the left over apple after eating it. They..."
"Okay!"
"I am just waiting for the day when we will not need men to produce babies."
"That is the only positive thing that men do. Produce babies."
"And there too they are so careless that God can not trust them with the responsibility of bearing a child."
"There should be a button in women, which when pressed would produce babies."
The conversation slowly sinking in! FUCK! A World full of only women?
"G, it will be a world full of dildos!"
"Well, you can keep some of them? Like your Boyfriends and Fathers?"
"Fathers, of course. It is so nice to have a father.... No Wait! Keeping your father would mean getting into the same cycle. You will have to get a father for your babies too. Damn. No. No men at all."
After the conversation entirely sank it. I took the right side. The No Men Land side.
"Gone. All men are already gone, L. I think I am the only one left because I am still having this conversation with you."
"Remember, when you go you will have no sports."
"Why not? I will be like a Spirit who can get and do whatever he wants to."
He was now seeing the positive side of it. Sports comes before sex!
"No G. You all will be completely non existent. Like, not there. Not even as spirits."
"Of course we will be."
"G, even if you are, there will be no Sports."
"Why?"
"Because there will be no men."
Phew. This conversation felt good. I won.

"You know I Love you, right?"
"I Love you too."
"You are the best man in this world. And I am not leaving you."
"Yeah. Who else will tell you to eradicate men?"
"How is the night there?"
"Breezy. Nice. Calm."
"Hhhmmmm."
It was the perfect night for me. I just wanted to sleep in his arms having this conversation.
"Asleep?"
"No."
"I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"You must go to sleep."
"No. It is okay."
It was peaceful. It was our comfortable silence, in which I wanted to sleep.
"What is it tomorrow?"
"A Family thing and then the rest of the day will be occupied with allot of office work too."
"You can catch up on your sleep in the afternoon as well, right?"
"No. The schedule is slightly tight."
"Oh! Go. Go. Go to sleep."
"Okay. Bye Babe."
"Oh! You know what?"
Yes, women seem to find the most interesting and exciting things to share at the end of a conversation. Now, you know how two women can talk at length despite 1000 Byes.
"What?"
"I saw this dream where I am sleeping. The room filled with the sound of Elton John and you reading a book to me over my head."
"Was it a Porn Book?"
"No! It was a Fairy Tale, I guess."
"If I am reading a book to you. It would be a Porn Book and my hand would be under your skirt. I would feel your breasts while reading. And put you to sleep after we are tired doing each other."
"No!", by now I was smiling in my half sleep. No! His descriptions were not boring. I was damn sleepy. It was almost 3 a.m., now.
"That is what we would do, L."
"No! My dream had a Cinderella, I think."
"Okay. Let us go to sleep now."
Men know when to end a conversation. Prolonging this would mean another one hour of Fairytale v/s Porn with no conclusions and no phone sex too.
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night Babe."
"I Love you."
"I Love you too."
"Big hug!"
"Big kiss."
"Bye."

"Keep the phone!"
"Mhhmm. Give me a hug, first."
"Big hug."
"Hhmmmm", comfortably tucked.
"Bye baby."
"Bye."

And I slept with his voice wrapping my relaxed body and calm senses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Easier to find Love or Friends?

2009-04-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

"What will you have?"
"A Sex on the Beach."
"There is too much sex on your mind, L."
"Hah."

Just about a week back.
"Come on L, tell me what is happening?"
"Nothing whatsoever, Aj. You really can not expect me to make up new things every minute in this long a conversation, right?"
"I am sure you have got something to say. It has been ages since you really told me something interesting."
"Aj! Our school days are long gone when I brought all the School gossip to you."
"Well, now my little friend has a boyfriend so tell me about him if not those stupid couples in school we gossiped about."
"Fuck you! You are comparing my relationship to that of those rat like school couples."
"LOL. No. But... Ah! Just tell me something. I really feel like having a nice long conversation. We have not had one in a long time. Specially since my break up. ;)"
"Hah. You were in that school relationship for so long. What the Fuck were you thinking? I almost thought you'd be role models for kids in school. They would look at the two of you and say, 'See, they were School sweethearts and now they are (un)happily married.' Fuck! You actually tolerated that woman for so many years. And of course, I have to congratulate her on the same too. I am so glad the two of you broke up."
"Ah! Forget it."
We smile. We talk random. Do the usual "We must have something to talk about. Tell-me-you-tell-me."
"Okay listen Aj."
"What?"
"I have to really really tell you something."
"Now we are talking."
"Who is it about?"
"I have been wanting to tell you this since a long time, but just did not know how to break it to you."
"Oh! I don't believe you! Just tell me."
"I am not a virgin."
"Cool. That is nice."
Silence.
"WHAT!? You... you do not have anything else to say? You do not want to call me a Slut? A Whore? or react in any other manner than just a 'Nice'?
"Come on L, Our ciggie days are long gone."

I still remember this clearly. I took the first drag of a Marlboro Light for the first time in my life in school, at a party. While discussing the party on our usual midnight phone conversation, I had told him about my little adventure like a scared guilty kid. What followed was a series of 'I did not expect you to do this! I thought you were a decent girl. I thought you were not one of those chicks, who find it so cool to smoke. I thought this and that and this and that. (IT WAS JUST A DRAG) I spent a night crying, apologizing. Feeling guilty for what I originally was not until I got to hear ALL that from him. It was our first fight. It was cute and silly, just as it should have been. He spent the rest of the night consoling, acting cute, cracking some really bad jokes and making promises to make me feel good with chocolates (which of course I never got).

From that silly fight to getting drunk together, yes, we have come a really long way together. From a Chauvinist to a Gentleman, I have seen him grow only for good. From fat to fatter, he has only see me grow, wider. ;)

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon with him. Every day spent with him is a perfect one. Be it an argument over governments that may culminate in a life threatening pillow fight or a lazy afternoon lying on each other taking alternate sips of Rum discussing the cons of being in a relationship. It has always been perfect. And like the 'ciggie' day, all my days with him are as fresh in the mind as the Lunch today.

While dropping me back home.
"By the way, who was on top of whom?"
"I am not giving you bedroom details, Aj."
"If you were on top of him, then I doubt his existence on this planet."
"Fuck you! You are the world's biggest asshole."
"I am just being honest."
"I am damn good in bed. So of course there are high possibilities of him getting breathless."
"Is he alive? is what I am asking. You just maybe assuming his near death experience to you being good in bed."
"He is very much alive."
"Thank god."
"You know what? I really hate you. You are the meanest friend."
"Because you deserve a Merc and I do not?"
"Yes. So when you buy one, rich boy! Gift it to me."
"Yes, I will."

No matter how old we grow, I think we can never stop fighting like the silly school goers. That is how we have always been. And that is how it will always be.

We reached my place.
"Bye."
"Lose weight, otherwise G wont be alive for too long."
"Asshole!"
"Bye."

Little does he know that not just my memories of us our sweeter, my old fantasies of a surprising unplanned kiss were more tantalizing too.

It is always easier to fall in love, but almost impossible to get out of it. And I do not think I want to either.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On a Clueless Trip

2009-04-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

I can not write when I have nothing to write or a neat thought to express. But, I want to write, what? I am sure I do not know. Deleting three old and two new drafts is proof enough.

Though, I still have a little Thought of the day to share, "A day spent with a good Book is always secretly preferred over watching Casablance with your Lover on a couch, wearing Pajamas."

It came after I carelessly spent an entire night finishing One and a Half Books, along with the pleasures of a rejuvenating head massage. For once, I neither cared nor wanted G to call. It is so much better to be with yourself, specially if you have not had that time in ages. :)

NEWS Piece - Life or Something Like it, my beloved honest Blogger has awarded me the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much, Saher. :)

As per the rules of receiving this Award, I am suppose to pass it on, as well as state some honest points about myself. The former is easy but the latter seems damn tough, but I shall try.

1) Yes! I am a young woman. For all those who thought I could be a miraculous man, who can think so much from a Woman's point of view and dedicate a Monthly post to PMS, without fail.

2) I Love and respect my Anonymity. Expect the respect bit from others too. Stop getting overtly curios!

3) I am definitely not as you have imagined me to be like, whatever that maybe.

4) No matter how difficult I may find to talk about myself particularly or objectively, I am pretty much Self Obsessed.

5) I may not believe in the existence of God yet I call him my Friend.

Just 5 points down and I am convinced, Honesty is a virtue and an art. Not everyone knows HOW to be Honest. I for one, do not.

Coming to the Award Ceremony, "And the Award goes to Dipti and Don't Be a Slut, my two most favorite Blogs. I admire and am hooked to your Blogs because of the fearless honesty in them. Continue writing the way you do. May God Bless you with more Virtues and not limit your goodness to Honesty, alone. ;) Love you girls. Kisses."

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

To be only yours, I Pray

2009-03-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember)

When do you start 'demanding' in a relationship? When do you start 'expecting'? I am sure most of us have no answer to that. Just as a relationship is formed by an unknown vibe and force, such things slowly start becoming a part of that relationship. That is why we are humans. Illogical nerds looking for a reason. If we fall in love, it should also be able to answer 'What made me fall in love?' 'When did you fall in love?' 'Why me?' Yes, these are questions asked by women but not like men do not think about it. We know it.

Consider this,

"They are worried that their daughter is turning 27 and they have not found him a suitable match yet."
"Mom, she is just 27. She has a long life ahead."
"You will understand this only when you become a parent."
"Well if you bind your child to options that are limited only up to a particular community in the society. Should not you all be prepared for some delay in that case?"
"One must marry in their community only."
"BUT WHY?"
"Because they SHOULD."
"But the question is WHY."
"Because that is the first preference."
"Why is it the first preference?"
"Because everyone wants their children to marry in the same sect or religion."
"Mom! We are beating around the same bush. Just tell me WHY?"
"Because inter religion marriages do not work out."
"They have not failed because of their religions. Have they?"
"But they have because of their different backgrounds and upbringing."
"What if you find a similar family outside your religion? And what is the guarantee that the same sect family will have a similar family atmosphere?"
"Look, if you want to marry someone outside the religion, GO AHEAD."
Sounds good but that was not the point.
"Let us not take this personally. I really want to know. It is a general perspective world wide. But why is it so? Give me a REASON!", I demanded.
"There is. That is it!"
"You know there is one horrible ideology? We are proud when someone of a different religion changes his religious faith to ours. But another man of our religion turning to another religion will upset us. Why?"
"Because our religion is logical and intelligent."
"Fine agreed. There is good and wrong in different religions, but we are not happy because we think that the person made an intelligent move by converting his faith into ours. We are just happy because we have an additional family member or man in the army. However we may like to look at it."
"It is a stupid thing to leave your religion."
"Does not the same apply to the person who willfully converted to your religion?"
"Easy way out. No one should convert."
"Why not? If they have a mind of their own and want to then why not?"
"Well, every religion teaches you the same thing anyway."
"Then where is the difference?"
Thoughtful silence.
"You know what used to happen in old times? People encouraged marrying in the same community only to make their community strong. That makes sense. So, if you give me a sensible logic for not marrying outside my community, I shall think over it. But unfortunately, most of your generation is brought up like a fanatic. This exists because it does. Not because there is a reason behind it. You have been told something over and over again that you believe it, like a fanatic father teaching his children something without answering his curiosities. That child strongly believes in what his father is saying but knows not why he believes in it."

We have no answers because we have neither questioned nor been answered. The above conversation turned into an argument that emotionally disturbed my mother. She thought I was trying to convince her because G does not belong to the same religion as I do. I was not. I was just the curios kid who was not being answered. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid.

Expectations and Demanding are two things I like to stay away from, but unconsciously fall prey to. Why? Is it interconnected with love? No. Is it because we have been brought up to be that way? Maybe. But most importantly, WHEN are we expecting and not hoping? WHEN are we demanding and not wishing? It may sound so simple and predictable if I answer 'When we put pressure on the other person about our wishes and hopes.' But do we do this knowingly? Sometimes, yes! But most? We are clueless.

I demanded an explanation from my mother expecting an answer. It did not work. I unconsciously demanded G to listen to this entire conversation in the middle of his 'me time' and expected him to hear between the lines and understand. So what if my mother had no answers? So what if G thought his match was more important and the conversation boring? Why should it make me think? Why should it make me feel something is missing in the relationship if we fail to understand sometimes? Why should I victimize my father for not always understanding? Why should I be disappointed if my mother can not fulfill my demands? Why should I feel 'dumped' if G is not interested in something I am saying? When I am there for myself.

Yes! We need people. But do we need them all the time? Why do we demand that kind of attention? Why do we expect that kind of understanding? When I can sit and think about myself. I can talk to myself and understand what I want. If there are questions inside you. There are answers around you. If you can love someone else. You can love yourself. By the end of the day, it is I FOR I.

My mother can not demand a marriage with anyone from me and I can not expect her to understand what I want always, because we first need to understand ourselves. Resolve issues with ourselves. Find answers within. Love ourselves first.

I talk to God. I talk to myself. I sing for myself. I dance to my song. I do so because I am my only hope. I am my best friend. I am my partner in crime. I am my skeleton in the closet. I am my wish. I am my hope. I am my questions. I am my answer. I am the love. I am my strength. I am there ALWAYS, 24*7, literally, for myself.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I pray to be true to myself. I am my only hope. I do not want to succumb to someone else's demands and lose myself in expectations. I want to be mine. To be only mine, I pray.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am thankful to God for giving me such people who despite my aggression and silent pressures do not find me 'demanding'. I thank you because I believed in you and you believed in me, and we continue to share that relationship. I have tried not being demanding or expectant with you. Hope I have been with you how I wish to treat myself. I Love you. Thank you for living up to the 'expectations', God (Alright, so I did.). There is no one I can love more than you. Kisses. :)

Conversations to Contraceptives

2009-03-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

"My guy went bald."
Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?"
"Because he wanted to."
"And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"
Came a sad "Yes" to that.
Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger.
"I am ditching him very soon."
I stop, instantly.
"Fuck! Why?"
"Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was."
"Are you serious?"
"Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him."
"Yeah. Lets plan a trip."
"He is coming in the last week."
Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away."
"That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!"
"Exactly."
"And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me."
"Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."
We laugh.
"Why were you dating him in the first place?"
"Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it."
"I know I know."
We both contemplate in silence for a moment.
"L?"
"Hmm?"
"When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect."
"Soon baby."
"What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close."
"We all learn from our mistakes."
"My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before."
"Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards."
"Exactly."
"So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince."
"That makes me feel good."
We smile.
And she jumps, "You know something?"
"What?"
"My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."
Now, this one was really crazy.
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to TRY."
"TRY VIAGRA?"
Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!
Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K."
"He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."
This is just getting better.
"This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY."
"I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."
I just sank in sympathy for her.
"Its alright baby."
"Yeah. He is cute anyway."
Sympathetically I agree.
I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either.
"So, Hows G?"
She caught my thought.
"He is 'great'."
"Good."
She comes back to her complaining in no time.
"You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing."
"What do you talk over the phone when you do?"
"Well, I do the talking."
"What do you talk?"
"I talk. Here and There."
"And that is?"
" I say I Love you."
LOL.
"All night long?"
"Almost."
"I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not."
"That is really nice."
"And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man."
"AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh...."
"I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday."
"The Gifts?"
"Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend."
"Love for G is...."
I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely.
"You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out."
"Why? You guys did not use condoms?"
"Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too."
"Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed."
"I know. It has happened earlier too yet..."
"Its alright."
We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes.
"But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."
Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed.
"You took the pill, right?"
"Yes. I did. Yet. What if?"
"If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?"
"Yeah. I have the same in mind."
"Good. Now lets get back to work."
And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing.
What if I am?
But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.
But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.
Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
OK.
Relax.
Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.
But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.
What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?
What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?
What if ... What if... What if...?
So many situational thoughts were making me mad.
Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet."
"You will get them."
"What if I am pregnant?"
"You can not be. We took a two level protection."
"Yes. But still."
"L, I trust the brands we use."
"Yeah. What if?"
"You are not pregnant L."
"No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating."
"Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?"
"YES!"
"OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days."
"I think I will take a Pregnancy Test."
"Yes. Do that."
"OK. Bye."
And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee."
"You think calling me will help?"
"No. But still. I want to pee."
He laughed.
O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Being a woman is not easy, my love.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Being There!

2009-03-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold.
"Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything."
"Fine. Then let us just end it."
"What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?"
"Talking like what?"
"L..."
"Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later."
"What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."
I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."
And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

*************************************************************************************

Friend 1

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

*************************************************************************************

Friend 2

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

*************************************************************************************

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

All is FAIR in Love

2009-03-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

"Do you really think this relationship is going one sided and that you are the only one making efforts to make this work?"
"No, G."
"Then why do I get that kind of a feeling. That kind of a vibe from you?"
"G, there is a difference in being busy and not putting effort in a relationship. First of all, I really do not think, our relationship is at a stage where it needs efforts from me or you, for it to survive. Secondly, you are 'busy', my love. And that is it. Right now, you are busy and I understand that. Later, when I am busy, you will have to understand. We need mutual understanding, no efforts."
"You know, the last five minutes are the reason why I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Ah... Now you dare take advantage of that."
We laugh.
"I Love you."
"I Love you too."

*************************************************************************************

"I do not know why do people think T is beautiful."
"I don't find her beautiful too."
"She is just 'fair'."
"Exactly. I guess she looks good to us because she is a very sweet person."
Interrupting, my mother insists, "Look, by Indian standards she is beautiful."
Both, simultaneously, "No Mom. What is wrong with?"
"She is." Overtly emphasizing.
"Mom! Fixing up marriages has ruined your taste for good looking women."
"You can not say that about me. I love dusky women. They are the most attractive ones."
"Exactly. Dusky is sexy."
The phone rings.

"Oh! I am assuring you. The girl is very pretty. She is fair."

My mom loves fixing up marriages. And people love and trust her enough as well. She is quite popular. Everyone loves my mom.

She has been fixing marriages for over five years now. Fixing marriages is quite a funny art. I have always been very amused. Someone says 'I want a young, fair, tall, well qualified, religious, adjusting girl who would stay at home, take care of the house, in laws and raise kids.' Second demand is of a 'Tall, well qualified, 'well settled' (read rich) boy living in the U.S., who (of course) does not smoke, drink, have had any past relationships and a virgin.'

It is funny how these classifications assure them of having a good daughter/son-in-law or a wife and a husband. My sister got engaged to her husband the very next day after having met him. They spoke for about an hour 'getting to know each other' and decided to marry. He thought my sister 'looked' decent and sweet. My sister thought 'if my mother likes the boy's family so lets go ahead'. I still have not understood what has that got to do with her life. Clueless.

I just might spare the 'aunties' and 'uncles' who classify girls and boys into 'good' and 'bad' on some strange parameters, probably because they went through something similar. They lived in a closed society that would not allow them to make a sensible decision, ever, so they do the same to their kids. But I am left surprised how young men and women, sometimes even, boys and girls (because they are so young) have the same wants as their parents. Has the world come to an end? And the dinosaurs ate up all the brains?

The guy for whom my mom is hunting a 'perfect' girl strictly demands a 'fair girl'. They guy is 'well educated' 'not fair' 'settled abroad' 'well settled' 'not a virgin' (I guess), but rejected this damn attractive girl my mother introduced him to because he 'thought' she was not 'fair enough'. WTF! Are you going to lick that creamy face and imagine it to be whipped cream? WTF are you going to do with a fair cunning body? How the fuck do you plan to live an entire life with a FAIR BITCH? or a Religious Slut? or a Rich Pimp? or a Working Abroad Disrespectful Disloyal Husband? WTF are you going to do with the list of unreasonable pointers you have made to 'compromise' your life with?

It is funny.

No wonder Indian Arranged Marriages make a popular subject for Foreign made Indian Films or aspiring Indian/NRI writers. These books and movies are a tale of a country's stupidity, charm, insensibility. Me thinks, such check lists are also a form of dowry. It should be illegal. You do not have 'something' they 'demand', the marriage is called off. No wonder the cosmetic shops are overflowing with Fairness products for every skin tone and type.

Maybe, G's ex should try doing the same. She is one hell of an attractive woman. Her current boyfriend's mother says, "She is not attractive. She is dark." I was speechless. Her boyfriend's mother is also on the duskier side. And her boyfriend is not doing much to convince his mother either. She is one of the sweetest persons I have met. (Yes! Despite her being a very strong and loved ex girlfriend of G)And that asshole is probably going to lose a very attractive beautiful person. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for everyone who have lost or earned 'beautiful' people.

They liked the 'fair' girl whom my mother was trying to fix up for the NRI guy. She was fair. And she spoke exactly 5 sentences in grammatically correct English. :)

God Bless.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Life or Something Like It recently awarded me the 'Cuteness Blogger Award'. She says, "cuteness is unzipped". :) Thank you so much. My first, from a Blogger. WOW! Love you. Hugs 'n' Kisses.

Why blame it on PMS?

2009-02-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

"I did not mean the sorry."
"OK. Then I am sorry."
"No. Please do not be if you do not mean it. I did not mean it and that is why I am telling you. I want to be honest."
"OK. Then even I am not sorry."
"Shall we go for some tea?", he asked in his sweet voice.
"No. I do not want to talk. Bye."
"Bye."

I stared at the phone for ten minutes by the watch. He did not call back. I sobbed like a call would save my relationship. We obviously had 'nothing to talk', according to him.

Called him all day. He was busy. Understandable. No issues. Like always, when we talk, he tells me everything about his office, his friends, his plan for the next 3 hours. Sometimes, he sounds like Sunali Kulkarni's boyfriend from Dil Chahta Hai. The one who remembers the day date time and place where he used to buy a 'heart shaped' balloon from. LOL. Subodh was his name. Then I tell him how my plans of coming to his city have changed and the chances of shifting there are seeming difficult. He pleads how I should try my level best. He also scolds me on something I should be doing but am not. And then all of a sudden says, 'OK. Bye'. I ask for more time and he says the usual, "We have nothing to talk." And as always, he has decided for me too that we have nothing to talk.

Ofcourse, I have lost it. I am angry. I am hurt. Hurt more than angry. We fight over how I do not want to talk to him now and he insists on how we should, now. I tell him in my true irritable tone, "You are irritating me." Well, if you try babying your woman at the wrong time. Trust me, you are nothing but annoying her. I scream. Am rude. He probably (obviously) did not like the way I was talking to him. We hang up.

I call him back to apologize. He accepts and we hang up immediately again. He had 'nothing to say'. My tone was cold. Trying hard to feel that way too but failed.

We fought over the same thing just two nights before. We had phone sex and within 5 minutes 'we had nothing to talk', as if talking for those 5 minutes was also a part of 'Lets talk otherwise she will feel how selfishly I hung up right after sex'. I did express my complaint on 'how we do not talk' but did not mention how weird it felt. I maybe wrong in the way I am feeling. I hope I am but how come I never get to decide whether we have something to talk or not?

I am definitely not somebody who likes sticking to the phone. I do not even like talking on the phone. It is a bloody waste of time. But there is just one person I want to talk my heart out to. Unfortunately, lately I am nearing something I dread - Feeling uncomfortable talking about anything to him. The last time when I wanted to talk about my sister's decision. I did not talk to him about it, not because I did not want to, but cause I did not know how to. If this continues I will slowly forget my comfort with him. I will forget how to talk to him carelessly about everything. Communication is the only fucking thing that keeps a relationship alive. I do not want to lose that.

I understand he gets tired. He wants to be with himself. He just does not want to talk. But please do not try covering that with a 'we have nothing to talk about'. I was hurt because I really had allot to say, hear and talk about. And have it for many days. I agree I do not start 'talking' immediately, like it was all pre decided or computerized in my head - 'Next pause and start with your story, L'. And before you reach your comfort zone and start what you want to, you can do nothing but talk to yourself about it. When the other person has already decided for me too, whether I have something to say or not, then what am I suppose to do?

I hate being the first one to call all the time. I hate being the one who wants to always 'talk'. Makes me feel like I am pushing him into doing something he does not want to do. That is not even the last thing that I would want.

I know I have hurt him today with my behavior. It hurts me more to know that I have hurt the man I love. I would do anything to see him happy. Probably even stop expecting him to hear me when I want to 'talk'. But would I be doing any good to myself? Our relationship? To him? Faking, really isn't good. Let us not call it 'compromise'. We all know how much 'compromises' keep us happy. Either understand or clear it out. I do not know what to do. Would he understand what I am trying to clear out? Or would he call it another 'PMS Conversation'?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - This post is dedicated to Dipti. She helped me find out something I have been trying to figure out over months. Why do couples have PMS fights? She said, "pms fights are mainly because the guy starts getting worked up the moment you tell them you are pmsing, cuz they start dreading from that moment that you will be a different intolerable horrible woman for the next few days lol" I Love you, Dips. :) Big hug and a big kiss for you.

Love is a Funny Game

2009-02-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

"Were you expecting something?"
"YES! My Flowers!"
She laughed, "Your Black Roses have arrived."
She hung up.

"Oh my Fucking God!"
"What happened? Who called?"
"It was my sister. My flowers have arrived."
"Are they not late?"
"I was not here, remember? So, they are bang on time."
"Wow..."
Cutting in, "And they are BLACK ROSES! FUCK! I can not get over that."
"Black Fucking Roses! Where did he find those?"
"I do not know and I do not care."
Drooling. Looking up.
"You know. I must have told him some random time of the day that I love and crave for Black Roses and Good Lord, FUCK! I don't believe he has sent me BLACK ROSES!"
"Lucky Bitch."

I run back home. The distance from P's house to mine seemed the longest that day. I just could not wait to get home and see what do my Black Roses look like? What is written in that little card?

I bang open the door to an irritating sister whom I had to chase, scream at and finally bribe for a movie to give me my hidden flowers. I find a beautiful bright bunch of Red and Yellow Roses. The thought of Black Roses had vanished. They were flowers from G. My first Valentines Day flowers. What more did I need. So what, if those flowers were begged for, from G ;). My sister thought it was cheap of me to ask him for flowers on our first Valentines. I did and I am not ashamed of it. :)

"You got my flowers?"
Panting, "Yes."
"Do you like them?"
Still panting, "Yes."
"You sound disappointed."
"I traveled, ran and screamed too much for these flowers. The excitement is going but I love them."
I assured him. He understood.

I wake up to those flowers everyday. They are kept right up on my head. The first thing I see when I shut and open my eyes are the yellow and red roses protruding out of the vase.

He thinks, we women find happiness in very small things. True. All women I know love the small things more. In fact, this one friend of mine is showered by expensive gifts at least 5 days a week. She hates it. She has actually started throwing his gifts away. It is easier to please women than it seems. My sister proved it to me in a big way today.

She was on a verge of a serious divorce. This issue was not taken too seriously by neither her husband nor her in laws, despite my parents getting involved. She had all the reason to leave him and never go back. It is never about a mistake when we break relationships but about natures. Unfortunately, he has some serious problems, which we could all see.

"He is coming tonight."
"So, finally after three months he thinks he should come here and ask you to come back?"
She smiles. She has defended him all through her 7 years of marriage with this smile.

They talk all night. They talk all through the day.

"L, I do not feel anything. I know what I want. I thought, his face would make me doubt my decision, but no. It just does not. And I am happy. I do not want to go back."

Mom goes to talk to him and is out of the room in no time, sobbing. She could not see his 'Sorry face'. Momssss.

By the evening, we are expecting him to leave.
"I think I want to give him another chance."
I look her straight into the eye, questioning why?
"L, I am a God fearing person. I do not want God questiong me, Why did I not give this man ONE chance. Maybe he will change....
I have never seen him cry like this before. He is promising he will change. I want to try. I do not want to regret later that I did not give him any chance."
"You are doing this for yourself or God?"
"Both."
"Okay."
She stands looking at me waiting I would react in a more expressive way. I am too shocked to do that. She sits bside me.
"I want you to try and like him too."

She knows I do not like him. I have had a disgusting past with him, where he has felt me. Not once, but many times, despite the warnings, untill last year when I yelled at him in front of my sister. He managed to convince her that I was assuming and misunderstanding it all. Anyway. Fuck that.

"I will try, just as I did in the last 7 years."
"That was faking. I want you to really try. He genuinely considers you as his sister."
"Right."
This was our second uncomfortable long silence. The first, when just to make it easier for her and end the matter I accepted that I maybe assuming about her husband. The second was again in his favor.

"To be honest. I do not find your decision right."
"I know. I can see it all over your face."
"I fail to understand how can this decision taken in minutes be stronger than the decision taken in years?"
She expects me to understand and I assure her that I will.
"I will be happy, when I see you happy."
We end it there. Mom is happy because she thinks he deserves another chance on human grounds.

They all go out for a movie.

I stay at home. Speak to G. He sings for me. Coaxes me to tell him what is wrong, but I do not feel like talking about it. Its something that is making me think.

Am I someone who is always encouraging people to break off their relationships?

Every time I see P unhappy, I tell her to walk out of her relationship. I was the first one to support and encourage my sister to take this big decision. I have always believed, if you are not happy in a relationship, move out. Do not make a joke out of it by dragging it on some silly grounds. I have encouraged break ups and divorces for one reason and that is to make them believe that 'it is alright to move on and choose a happy life for yourself.' But, am I wrong? Am I, the one taking rash and harsh decisions of breaking up a relationship? (even if it is for ohers) It makes me go crazy. I do not want to be responsible for encouraging people to break up. I just want to encourage people to love themselves and be happy.

She asked, "If G asked you for a second chance, would you give it to him?"
"Depends on how much has he hurt me?"
"I agree. Yet?"
I did not answer. I knew my answer. I would not.

He called. We spoke. He sang to me. Narrated some stupid Pineapple joke, just to make me laugh. I would.

I love G so much that I would give in to the demands of my heart and give him another chance if he'd hurt me to the extent of a break up. And just then, I hear a door bell, as if my moment was being filmed for a Bollywood Feature.

"It is a courier for you."
It is from G. There is my Valentines Goody Bag. A pair of beautiful earrings, I can not wait to wear for him. Two DVDs he had promised he would send me. A box of heart shaped dark chocalates which I was praying for just a minute back to help me stop the unstoppable tears. And my Valentines Day card, which said, "we are fucking good tiogether." We are.

Love is funny. When they come back from the movie. I will help her believe that I accept her decision. Though I desperately pray she sees a far better future with him, now. And lives happily ever after.

I Love you G. No matter how hard I tried keeping you away from my troubled state. You were there to make me feel good, in the form of flowers, songs, cards, chocalates and in thought.

Thank you God. I Love you. Happy Valentines Day to all of you! Special V Day Hugs and Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Singleton still remains Sexy

2009-02-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

After a long spell, Luscious is back. As I had already informed my readers, I was on a vacation, which was allot of fun. In the mean time fell, mine and Chrys' S.A.D. Blogathon Week, which we planned with so much of ebullience, love and excitement. Fortunately, we received an enthusiastic response but not all were able to participate and update their blogs during the week because of their own valid reasons (including me). Never mind. We loved your interest, anyway and are thankful to you for that. :)

Nonetheless, we have with us five beautiful Bloggers, who promised and updated their Blogs during the Week. They joined us in the celebrations of the Single Awareness Day, which falls on the 14th day of February, along with Valentines Day. I apologize profusely for being late, but I hope these Blog posts on the beauty of Singleton, by our participants shall make up for it.

Chrys and I invite you to be a part of our celebrations, as we celebrate the Singles Awareness Day, in our own little way.

Please visit our Participants' Blogs, read and comment. It would be a great way of showing us your contribution and your thoughts on Singleton.

S.A.D. Blogathon Week's participants are,

Single Hilarity
Saroj
d Rat
Piyush Tainguriya
and
Chrys, my gorgeous Co-Planner and Supporter, who celebrated the Week truly, updating her blog everyday, all through the Blogathon Week.

Thank you Saroj, Single Hilarity, Piyush and d Rat for your contributions and helping us make S.A.D. Blogathon possible.

Special Thanks to Shoe Girl, who helped us look for the perfect S.A.D. Blogathon Participant's badge and wanted to participate as well, but sadly could not. This is the badge she sent to us, which we have further passed on to our Participants. They shall (hopefully) put this badge up on their blogs, which would indicate their participation in the S.A.D. Blogathon.

And Chrys, Thank You! You have been a great Co-Partner and Supporter. Thank You for putting up with me and my absence so patiently. Love you. Hugs.

Thanks to all those who have already read these posts and to those who are going to. :)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Reading how to Ruin Romance?

2009-01-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Most of my female readers have grown up on Cinderellas, Beauty and the Beast, Rapunzel, The Little Mermaid (This one was my favorite) and many other 'And they lived happily ever after...' Fairy tales. I blame these Fairy Tales to be the BIGGEST culprits for ruining romance. They make each woman believe that there is a Prince Charming, A Knight in the Shining Armour, Someone who would come riding on a horse and sweep the world beneath their feet, Sing songs in praise of their beauty and then they both would kiss and live a happily ever after life. Huh. Ofcourse.

And then came the Mills and Boons, The Love Story, The Pride and the Prejudice, The Jane Austen's, Casablanca, Notting Hill, Moulin Rouge, Gone With the Wind, etcetra, etcetra. The list is endless. They have further cashed on the emotion called 'love' and made it worst for us love fools. We live breathe eat sleep die love. And then came the Self Help books. They claim to help you find the 'PERFECT MAN' for you. They will tell you what is a man like if he opens the door for you from his right hand. They will tell you what is wrong with the man you are currently dating. They will tell you how you are ruining your life and and losing yourself by living with a man who blows his nose a little too loudly. (Yeah! Probably blowing his nose loudly is a LOUD sign that he is careless and irresponsible.) This way or that - YOU ARE RUINED IF YOU ARE READING!

I have definitely grown up on the best of Fairy Tales, but THANK GOD, I grew up AFTER that and never read any of those soft bound Love tales which present some horrible writing styles. The only Self Help Book that I have read, or rather was forced to read was "You Can Win". God! My school and Mom, both loved it and they read it to us if we did not read it ourselves. But then that is the point! That is what books do. They try to take over our lives. We read with an open mind and would want to imbibe, believe and live by the same words. Where does that leave YOU? It simply leaves you as a mere SUBJECT of their stupidity. You lose YOURSELF!

The whole point being, since we have GROWN UP on such Love Stories, we start believing in them. We believe everything is perfect. We try so hard to make everything perfect. Whether it is kissing on a yatch or being always pretty for your guy. We do things which are unnecessary, unwanted and not even desired for. Maybe not even ourselves! Ask yourself deeply, do you really want to do this? Doing something just because it seems romantic, is not real love. How many times, do we do unnecessary, unwanted things for 'others' whom we love? Parents, Friends, Siblings, Pets....? We do not! Because it would not be 'Romantic'.

And when we try so hard, yet things do not fall the way we see them, we feel disappointed, cheated, disheartened. Why? Only because we had a different picture all through our life in our minds and we see something else. So, the ones who realized this took this upon themselves as a moral responsibility to save every woman from being trapped into the Fairy Land and believing in having a Prince Charming. So, what these women did, they started writing about how EVERYTHING is wrong in your relationship, your man. Obviously, women believed that too and 'helped themselves'. WOW! We hope, we dream, we love, we lose, we fight back and how? By killing our own selves. How ruthlessly romantic is that?

It is sad when we start expecting too much from our relationships. It is a sin to classify certain expressions under 'for men' and 'for women'. Why can not a man be shy? Why can not a woman first say she loves a man? Why can not a woman go and ask a man to marry her or ask him for sex? Why can not a man say 'no' to sex? Why? Ofcourse you can. You can say, do, date, love whoever whenever wherever you want. We do not need to expect our men to get us flowers all the time and say the right things to pamper us, always. Do they not deserve to be pampered, to be left alone when wanted?

All we need to understand is that we are individuals. It is important to stay connected with ourselves, it is only then can we love and love happily. No boundations. No expectations. No rules. No nothing. Accept how things are and more importantly, accept how you are. You find it difficult to express, no pressures, my love. You do not want to talk on the phone or you'd rather play FIFA than 'talk' , it really is NO CRIME. It is your life. You would probably do the same with your Mom. Ask her to go away when you want to play FIFA. We girls need to learn a bit, practise a little and bring a big change. And guys, you all really do not HAVE to get 'emotionally blackmailed' always. Sometimes, please do. (Puppy face.)

Yes yes yes. Realization dawns upon me too. I NEVER had imagined I could be a pain in the ass. But, to my biggest surprise. I managed to 'be a girl' allot of times. For no rhyme or reason I'd start a 'You don't talk to me...' fight. Gawd! If I was in G's place na, I would have gotten into the phone and given one tight slap. Gosh! I find myself really irritating sometimes. In G's words 'Stop being a girl ya...'

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Luscious is going away for a long time. A sort of vacation with family. Will also meet G for a day. We are planning to go for our first Movie Date, together. (See, again... 'FIRST MOVIE DATE'... Romantic no? Huh. We women, can we help this about ourselves? Ssshhh... I like being this way sometimes. ;) )

Single Awareness Day - Blogathon Week

2009-01-16T00:48:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day is about a month away and as most may not know it is also celebrated as S.A.D. "The Singles Awareness Day". So as a worshipper of love, Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster have decided to celebrate this Single Awareness Day with all of you in our own way.

We are announcing a week long (February 9th '2009 to February 13th '2009) Singles Awareness Blogathon. And we cordially invite each one of you to come be a part of this run for love. (You do not have to be "single" to be a part of this. You could be married, committed, engaged, in an open relationship or whatever to participate and celebrate Singlehood.)

How can you be a part of this?
Please e-mail or comment in the comment box, your
Name
Blog Address (Blogger, Wordpress, Live Journal, all are welcome)
E-mail Address (This shall remain private)

Next step.
After you commit to participate by giving us your details. You will have to copy paste this announcement on your blog. This way we spread the word and invite more people. :)

Rules.
1) You must update your blog with atleast one post on Singlehood between February 9th '2009 to February 13th '2009.
2) The post should be in English, preferably.
3) It HAS to be about the niceness of Singlehood. Any post which talks about the sad or dark sides of Singlehood shall not be considered. After all we are celebrating Singledom, isn't it?
4) The post can be of any nature. An anecdote, poetry, fiction or whatever you like. (But it has to highlight the beauty and advantages of singledom.)

What will we do?
On February 14th '2009, Sassy and I will check out all the blogs of the participants and update our blog with the list of links of all those who have updated. That way, we all can check out, comment and rate our favorites.

So, are you all ready?

On your mark... Get set... Go.....

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Any doubts or questions, feel free to ask. Thanks! :)

M.A.D.

2009-01-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

Statutory Warning - THIS AINT A POST

I am in such a terrible mood that I feel like scribbling on my blog. Since I can not do that I am writing this post from the right side. I do not know. Probably this is my way of taking out my anger. Anger?

Okay. So we have not spoken spoken in a long time. Guess what? This did not even strike me until he made me realize it himself by mentioning it yesterday and said, "I want to talk all night. Its been a while since we have talked for long. In your words 'talked talked'." I was alright the way it was going. No issues. BUT, he said something of THIS sort and I WOULD NOT grab the opportunity? Huh. You have got to be kidding me. I was fucking tired, sleepy. Infact had called him to say good night at 21:45 it self when he just mentioned it and as an overexcited fool I tell him I'll call him as soon as I am free. (People were around). And so, I call only to discover he has gone off to sleep. F-U-C-K-E-R!

That evening it self he made me feel so good. He said something he has never said before and trust me the post was going to be all about that, but I guess he did not want my blog look too sugary. So, he made my day today again b saying something extrmely sweet. Tonight I was not really in the mood to talk, but he seemed to. O.K. Another opportunity, grab it with both hands. ...........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Y.A.W.N.

He spoke for a full 32 minutes on the phone about something. Mind you, HE spoke for THIRTY TWO MINUTES ALONE! I was honestly bored. I was having fun watching good music on music channels after a long time, but NOW I was sleepy to the core. It made me MAD. I was not pissed, sad or even upset. But I was mad at him. I was mad at him for boring me. For talking to me about something so random and boring when I really wanted to 'talk'. Fuck.

Sigh. Feels good. I think I just did not have a great day. I am in one of my phases where I need to be with myself. I am simply over reacting. And trust me, no matter how 'boring' it may have sound. It was something that would have interested me if only the time and mood were right. I had heard everything he said. I love how he talks about EVERYTHING. Even after putting me on No. 8 of his list. This New Year Diary that I gifted him comes 1st followed by his

I Pod
Music on Laptop
Laptop
His favorite T.V. sitcom
His home theatre
This one I do not remember

I Love him ya. I can not help but find everything interesting about him. Simply because I am interested in him. He is the love of my life. And oh dear, he has heard much boring crap from me than I could ever hear from him. But that is what partners do. They listen. They hear. They speak. They are interested. They are so not interested. They love you. They are bored of you. They will always be there for you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I need some time off. I want to be ONLY with myself for a while. :)

Love hurts....

2009-01-05T03:17:00.000-08:00

CHECK THIS OUT!

Last night a friend of mine asked me a 10,000 billion pound question. "L, tell me something. What is a difference between a lover and a friend?" After allot of thinking and beating around the bush, I came to the conclusion, "You just know it. It is your feeling. No one can know it better than you yourself can."
"I think I am forgetting how to love."
"You can not. It is something that comes naturally to us humans. We love love."
"I don't think anyone loves me here."
"I love you. I am here."
"I know.... but..."
"It is alright. It is just a phase. Let yourself open and you will feel better."
He tells me now how he has been in love with this girl for a year. They talk. They chat. She says "We are just friends" yet drops hints at him and also expects him to tell her all the time how much he still wants her just to shoo it off with a "I am confused. I do not know anything right now. Let us be the 'best of friends'."
"It hurts, L."

He is right when he is asking me that question. I may have played around "A best friend can be a lover and a lover can be your best friend too. On the contrary a best friend may not make a great lover and vice verse." Thankfully, I have found a lover in an interesting man and a great friend in a lover. But, what is the difference after all?

I thought I was in love with my best friend even after two weeks of being with G. There were moments where I was sure I was not in love with Aj, but there were a billion doubts that surrounded that supposed surety. I cried when I met him last. Why? Because he said something which had hurt me and I did not tell him about it till the end. We kept talking and meeting. He was leaving the country next day, for six months. He dropped me home and did not let me go out of the car. He could sense something was on my mind. He insisted I tell him. I could not. Instead I dashed out of the car with tears dropping down my cheeks unstoppably. I had no idea why was I crying. I felt horrible. I felt weird. Disgusting. Strange. Confused.

I said I was in love with G. But here, I was crying for some odd reason which I did not even know, for him. For my best friend. For the guy who treats me like his guy friend. I needed a friend at that time. Aj was definitely out of the question. G? NOWAY. We had just started off and discussing this would make things horrible between us specially when I am not clear in my own head. I called K, my soulmate. I just cried. She asked, "Did Aj say something?"
"No. He dropped me. Asked me what was up with me but I left."
"Are you in love with him?"
"I don't know."
"God! I always knew you were. Since school I knew this."
I sobbed. She calmed me down. Something she is actually horrible at.

I pondered all night and realized.
I just love Aj too much. So much as a friend that I could do anything for him literally. When I say love is the most important feeling for me. I mean it. Aj and K are family. Infact K and I love each other so much that we openly confess "We could make love to each other if that was the only way left to express our love for each other." I guess that is how much I have always loved Aj too. Probably the only reason why I never thought I could be 'in love' with K because I am a hetrosexual. Probably because the only man I loved so much after Papa was him. I was misunderstanding my own feelings. Crying had afterall helped. I knew Aj was the best friend I could die for. He was the guy whom I love so much and not 'loved loved'. But, I loved, nonetheless.

We met again the next day. We spoke. We laughed. He teased me about G. We loved. K was happy to see us this way. We hugged. We left.
K - "Why are you so quiet?"
L - "No. Nothing."
K - "Gosh. I hate Aj. God knows what happens to you after you meet him."
There was a moment here. A moment where I almost thought 'what if I am using G to get over Aj?'
L (smiling) - "I know I love G."
K - "Great. I am happy."
L - "I am happy with him too."

I have come to know myself better since that day. I am not really that closed and unfeeling a person as I thought I was. I love loving. I love loving everyone and everything. I love LOVE. No doubts about it anymore. And knowing this. Accepting whatever comes with love, including hurt makes you more human. More real. 'Cause without love I wont survive.

Now, I am waiting for Aj. He is coming today for two days then he will go to G's city. We will spend those two days together. Having fun. Sharing love. (He has finally broken up with his four year old girlfriend. Silly that girl was. I always told him to break up because I thought she was dumb and also because I knew he did not love her. After a thousand tries, he finally has broken up. So, there is lots to catch up on.)
:)

P.S. - The other day G and I were discussing Incubus. I realized I had not heard Incubus in a long time. Did that and could not find a more perfect song.

Soul or the Hole?

2009-01-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

"L, In seven seconds I am not going to ask you to marry me."
G told me long back that he wants to propose marriage to me after we have had a fight and then when I am angry and looking in the opposite direction he would use his "smile inducing technique" and say "L, I am going to propose to you in seven seconds."
"Okay."
2 seconds of silence. The advantages of a free phone.
"I don't want to marry you, L. I want to marry your soul."
Silence.

****************************************************************************************

"Hi."
"Hey." Slightly exhausted.
"Where are you?"
"Home. Why?"
"Home alone?"
"Yeah. You too?"
"No. But I am room alone."
"Got some plans?"
"Yes. Some nasty plans."
"Tell me."
"I want to come to your house from your back door and drag you to your bedroom and throw you on the bed. Strip your clothes completely and strip some of mine."
"What will you keep on?"
"I am wearing a double layered shirt. So I will take off the upper shirt..."
"What color panties are you wearing?"
"Blue."
"Oh Fuck! Come and suck my cock."
We talk.
Within 2 minutes.
"Please put your panties on. I will take atleast 5 minutes to get another hard on."
HE CAME. He was already shaking for ten minutes before I called him. I was not even close.
"O.K."
"I am sorry."
"No. Its okay."
Ofcourse it is okay BASTARD! I would have been better off if I did not call you. Huh. It was happening for the second time. The last time we had phone sex he did not even realize or ask if I came. He came and the topic changed. Our frequency has decreased to a great extent. I have stopped being horny too. Strange. Sometimes I have to try hard to be horny. I think. I fantasize. Nothing seems very exciting any more. But I know I do not take very long to cum. He came soon.

So, we continue talking. I was actually horny this time. I was not going to wait for his hard on. MY EGO GREATEST! We are talking about some random shit. But I was busy. He talked. I 'hhmmm-ed' and came. Sigh.

I could have hung up. Gotten done and then called. But MY EGO GREATEST! He did not even come to know what I was up to. Makes me feel PROUD for some strange reason. We talk about how many times does a normal man, single man, man in a long distance relationship, having regular sex man and other types of men masturbate and cum. I dress up.

"L, In seven seconds I am not going to ask you to marry me."
"Okay."
2 seconds of silence. The advantages of a free phone.
"I don't want to marry you, L. I want to marry your soul."
Silence.
I am actually stabbing my heart with a sharp dagger and dying.
"I am dead, G."
"LOL."
"Where the hell did you come up with that from?"
"It is a Lover boy line. Imagine
Lover boy - 'Lover girl, I want to marry your soul.'
Lover girl - 'But, I want someone who can fit his cock in my hole.'
LOL. Splendid I am no?"
"LOL. Yes. Very."
"Where will you find a guy who can make you smile and laugh the way I do. Men have a horrible sense of humor. Another guy can not make you laugh in a whole life time as much as I do in a day."
"Hmmm."
He just switched on his Self Praise button. *Bulb* G should make a 2009 resolution that he will not indulge in any sort of self praise.
"Okay. I challenge you L. Find a guy better than me in a month."
"Sure?"
"Yes. That is how sure I am of my credentials."
"OK. Done. Let us take a one month break and find ourselves new and better partners."
"Oh Hello! No break. But if you want I can easily find another woman to get laid. That ain't difficult. Would you like it?"
"NO! Dare you sleep with another woman."
"I do not even want to. I have you. After one month I have to come back to you only na."
I smile.
"I can not find a better man than you."
It is so fucking easy to make a woman smile and flatter her. Huh. Gosh. Women are naturally 'easy'.
"Chal, now on this note lets hump."
"Yeah right."
"Okay. We will have sex some other time."
"LOL."
"What happened?"
"LOL. Nothing. Chal we will talk later. Bye."
"Bye."
"Take Care."
"Take Care."
"I Love you."
"I Love you."
"A Big huuuuugggg."
"A Big kiiissssss."
"A Big kissssssssssss."
"A Big huuuuuuuuuuugggg."
"Byeeeee Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Byeeeeeee Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Chal na. Go now. I will have a grown pussy if I talk like that for one more second. Bye."
"LOL. Bye."

I really can not find a man even in the next 'saath janam' who can make me laugh as much as he does. He makes me smile as if it is his moral responsibility to. He keeps me happy and 'satisfied' too. I want to marry his soul and he can get the hole as the wedding gift.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(Though it seems like another day to me. A day to drink and dance. An additional holiday for some. It is also the only day the entire world celebrates together (well, almost.) disregarding their sex, race, religion or nation. So, I'd rather celebrate it in that spirit than any other.)

And now my wishes, the Luscious way. (I really do not want to add prosperity and crap here.)

Wishing you all a year full of LOVE SEX HAPPINESS RICHNESS SATISFACTION GOOD TIMES WITH YOUR LOVED ONES AND SOME MORE LOVE.
HUGS.
KISSES.

Enjoy!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

SLUTTY SITUATION!

2008-12-27T00:58:00.000-08:00

I hate the 'what if you are in xyz situation. Who would you chose? How would you react?' I hate this to no extent. Firstly, you can never say how or what will you do because our reactions also depend on the circumstances that surround it. Secondly, it is the MOST SILLY way of asking your boyfriend or girlfriend to express their love for you. It just goes on to show how insecure are you about his/er love for you.

G for the past few days has been repeatedly asking me in different ways What will I do if he dies? To be honest. I am so fucking emotional when it comes to him that my tears are in a 'on your mark-get set go' position all the time. He says it. I can cry. I will not. I have an ego. And most importantly, it irritates me. Irritates me to the extent that I can get into the phone and kill him. Huh.

Finally, today I just told him. What is this fucking way of expecting me to say tons of 'I Love you too much G that I can not live with out you shit. My life will be incomplete without you. I will miss you so much that I will not let you go and live like a zinda laash', like those typical insecure lover boys. Oh Freak! And then, "There is a fundamental difference between them and me."
"?"
"A lover boy would ask - "What will you do if I die? Will you miss me?
I am asking - "What will you do when I die? How fast will you find another guy?"
"LOL."
Typical of G.
"Okay tell me. If you were not in a relationship with me and you had to get laid with either some lover boy types or me. Who would you go to?"
Arrgghh. God G!
"I am not in a relationship?"
"No. You are not."
"Mmmmmm. Depends."
"Depends? Saali Rand"
"LOL."
"Depends. Bloody here I am there as an option and she is saying 'DEPENDS'."
"Yeah. Depends on whether I am in the mood to 'make ..."
"No. Just sex."
"I do not know. Depends ya."
"Saali Randi"
LOL.
"You Rand"
"You Randi"
"You Slut."
"You Randi"
"You"
"No. You."
"You Randi L"
"No. You you you you."
"No. You you you you you you you you."
"OK Fine ya. ME."
"Yes. You Randi"
"G, now you can stop. Stop disrespecting me."
"Oh! Disrespecting."
"Yes. I will hang up."
"Yeah Right."
Silence.
More Silence.
"You know L, who is the culprit in all our stupid situational conversations and our silly You-No.You fights? It is our FREE PHONE. Right now, if it was not for the free phone, we would have spoken like, "I Love you I Love you. OK Bye. I got no balance in my phone.""
Silence.
Mind you this is keeping the phone away and controlling a fit.
"This free phone should be blamed for all. There would have been no free phone and no time to have conversations like these."
"LOL."
"Finally, she laughs."
"I have been laughing for the past five minutes."
And we keep laughing.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Missing G!! :(

2008-12-20T12:32:00.000-08:00

I am missing G terribly. He send a mess. in the afternoon "Freak! I never thought ill mess u right after v have spoken n tell u this but i guess i want u to know this more clearly... That i really genuinely like u...And that i am always happy n smiley when i am WITH u...what the fuck im missing u already...Really wanted to talk but i understand d situation completely...Just want u to have a great day tomorrow n may tomorrow b d beginnin of realising all ur dreams n reaching d zenith of success...Good night." I had sent this mess. to G when we were in our 'I like you' phase and had not started seeing each other yet. Next day was his first day to office and we could not talk because of his mother and grandmother insisting him to go to sleep. The way he immediately obeyed despite wanting to talk to me, was damn cute.

We always told each other how much we like each other's company but did not want to take the plunge right away. Infact, when we had started talking, we did not even start with the intention of giving it a shot. It just happened. We spoke. We spoke for unending hours. Had our morning tea and then slept. When we knew we liked each other. We wanted it to work. We still wanted to take it slow until one day I just said the obvious 'I Love You' and he said 'I Love you too' immediately and as naturally as we say it now. "I said 'I Love You too' as if you would have changed your mind the next moment", he laughed later. Ofcourse I asked him why did he not formally propose to me. He said, "I wanted to say I Love You to you when I would be sure you would say it back too." All of this happened within 20 days of us talking over the phone. This was fast.

When I look back, sometimes it feels so fresh and sometimes like we have been together forever. I want to be with him forever. I want to drag him to the Doctor when his nose bleeds. He is a fool. His nose bled severely yesterday morning and he still has not gone to a Doc. I wish I was with him in the same city. I could cook for him every time he is hungry and lazy. I could just have him beside me on the bed and tell me stupid tales that make me laugh so that I'd forget my killing stomach cramps.

Today, I just fell in love with him all over again. He called. We spoke. I was in a terrible state because of my first day of periods. I hate being a woman these five days of the month. I hate the stomach cramps that come with it. It is really bad today. Was lying all day with a hot water bottle. And just to cheer me up he started narrating some random incidents. Stupid incidents that cracked me up. He did it all so that I would forget my pain for atleast five minutes if not more. I want to hug him and cry. That is how much I love him. And that is how much he loves me. (Touch Wood.)

It is very likely that instead of shifting to G's city, I may go to another continent for a year, next year. I know it is going to be extremely hard for him. He hates having a long distance relationship. He feels I prefer it this way. I confirmed it to him. But no G, I love you too much. Sometimes it gets really hard for me too. I want you with me, physically. Small things like just reading and watching T.V., are things I want to do with you. Why I say I do not mind long distance because it would never lessen my love for you. Because I know I will be with you ultimately, forever.

The only time in my life I believe in the word 'forever', is when I speak of G n I together.

I Love you, FOREVER.
Missing you crazily.

A Big Hug to you.
A Kiss on your forehead.

Love 'n' Peace.

Kisses.

**************************************************************************************

Got this one from D's blog. Please fill it for me too in the comment box. It would be really sweet of you.

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3.Something I have and you want?

4.Give me a nick name and explain me why u picked it?

5.Describe me in one word?

6.What was your first impression of me?

7.Do you still think that way about me now?

8.What reminds you of me?

9.If you could ever give me one thing,what it could be?

10.How well you know me?

11.How do you see me in future?

12.Ever wanted to tell me anything ,but couldn't?

13.Are you going to put this on your blog and going to see what I say about you?

14. (I am adding this one.) A song you want to dedicate to me. Why?

Thanks.

Looking forward to your responses.

Kisses.
Hugs.

?

2008-11-30T03:32:00.000-08:00

11/30/2008

The recent terror attack in Mumbai was completely terrorizing. It has scared me. I feel like a cat hiding under a bed after having walked over the house's favorite pet Bull Dog's tail. Depressing.

Anyway, I was busy traveling all of these days, so came no posts. And then, there was a friend's wedding. That was great fun. Nice and chilly, too. We danced, drank and did not get drunk. I really wanted to. My friend freaked out. Thought her parents will object. I understand that. But I really want to get drunk one day in a different city with newly made friends, who would not want to take advantage of the situation. Making out or having sex with someone you do not know in a drunkard state in not my idea of fun.

Come to think of it, if I was not seeing G, making out with a hot guy in a semi drunkard state could be fun. BUT NO SEX. I have issues with Random and Unsafe Sex.

Tomorrow is AIDS Day. I feel bad for all those who are unaware. And hate those who intentionally want to pass it on.

G has had women before me. It did hit me one day. More for him than myself, I was concerned. We spoke about it. Thankfully, he too swears by safe sex. He has gotten himself tested too. He is safe.

It was an awkward moment between the two of us. I felt as his friend at that moment. It hit him hard, "because my girlfriend is asking me questions like these."
*************************************************************************************

12/13/2008

I wrote the previous lines, but did not get the chance to complete and post. My sister had come down. She is probably that one person in my life, for whom you can live, die, kill, simply do anything for. She is like my mother. She has spoilt me. Brought me up. She is nine years elder to me. And we are poles apart. Today, she is nearing a divorce.

My sister was not happy in the past 7 years. She never spoke of it, but I could feel it. I joke about it to her. Reassure her that she would fine. Her future - better. Way better. But it hurts me to no extent to see that pain which she has gone through. Today when she has for the first time made a decision on her own, everyone around me not only realizes how much she must have really suffered but makes me proud that finally she is taking a decision.

What she will study - Parents' decided.
Who will she marry - Parents' decided.
Whether she will work - Husband decided.
Where will she stay - Husband decided.
How much will she eat - Husband decided.
She lived. She smiled. She did not complain.

This is her first decision. She has never done anything in life for herself. If, since last night she is thinking of giving him another chance, it is because he is asking for it. She really does not want to go back.

Luscious apologizes to her readers for being away. But I feel sad. I feel terrible. I feel helpless. Luscious can not love and care about anyone more than her sister. Luscious wants her sister to be happy. To be free. For once, live her life. For once, give herself a chance.

I Love you.

Lesbian Lust!

2008-11-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

This song describes what I am feeling for the past few days.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it,

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it.

Yes. I want to kiss a girl. I want to kiss a HOT LESBIAN. It is not a matter of being a good or naughty girl. I really want to know how it is to kiss a girl. For the past few days, I have not imagined kissing G (Of course we have fucked in the head on the phone). I have been fantasizing kissing a pure lesbian absolutely passionately, in or outside the washroom of a Club. iDrunk. sheNot. We look into each others' eyes and move towards each other. Push her against the wall and kiss so rhythmically. Feeling the soft lips playing forcefully with mine.

I am not proclaiming myself as a Lesbian or a Bisexual. I just want to kiss, neither make out nor get into the room. That is solely for G. But, I want to know what is it like to kiss a girl. Curiosity, maybe. Excitement, maybe. Different, maybe. The reason could be anything. It is just a fantasy that G seemed not to believe, but I was serious when I told him that. "It just proves I am not good in bed." Of course he is brilliant. All that I have highlighted is the strong reasoning behind my fantasy. Lets see when it comes true. I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.. ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses

If you leave me now....

2008-11-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

Read each word of this song.

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me
No baby please don't go
If you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me
No baby please don't go

A love like ours is love that's hard to find
How could we let it slip away
We've come too far to leave it all behind
How could we end it all this way
When tomorrow comes well both regret
Things we said today

A love like ours is love that's hard to find
How could we let it slip away
We've come too far to leave it all behind
How could we end it all this way
When tomorrow comes we'll both regret
Things we said today

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me
No baby please don't go
Oh girl, just got to have you by my side

No baby, please don't go

Oh mama, I just got to have your lovin, yeah

We've come too far to leave it all behind.

Just after having finished crying alot and realizing that I have not cried so much in my life ever since I have been with G. Be it 'happy' crying, 'missing you' crying or 'what is happenning with us' crying. Yes, I am to most people's surprise overtly sensitive. It surprises me also, sometimes.

G and I have not been talking the way we do. It is tiny yet, there are issues, there is being upset, there is the 'wrong time for pampering'. I am being a pain in his ass. I seem to be finding everything wrong in whatever he says or does. It reminded me of what my ex said to me "I am not meant for relationships." Like a fool (or not) I believed him and maybe still do.

G has issues with my weight. I know. I understand. But either he still does not know or has forgotten that pushing me towards something makes me averse to it. Joke or not. I have all of a sudden begun to take this a little too seriously. I know how to take things lightly. This time G is probably over doing it. This time I am not being demanding or unreasonable. This is hurting me.

It has nothing to do with me not being able to come to terms with my boyfriend not liking me the way I am. Come on! Lets get real - WEIGHT IS AN ISSUE. But it makes me feel like it is probably too big an issue for him. Or... forget it... He is just overdoing it, I know. I am over doing it. I am over reacting. I am getting overtly sensitive.

A relationship never has problems. Its we, who have issues with ourselves.

I have it too. I was going to blame it all on my relationship to the extent of stop seeing a future with him. I stopped. Could that be a solution? My mind blocked. I could not talk to myself. I could not hear me. I just needed some time off. For over four months I have been nothing but a 'woman in love'. It was high time I needed to be with myself. To be away. Even from G. Maybe specially from him.

Decided to switch off my cellphones and just hibernate without caring about any important call or messege. Just when I decided this and come online to update my blog. G is online. Makes me hear a song.
"I've already heard it."
"I am sad. Very sad."
"Why?"
"Making you hear good songs is only my job."
I wanted to hug him so bad at that moment. Did not.

We spoke. Me, rather coldly, making efforts to sound normal. I keep my headphones away. Playing chess on the internet, my eyeballs catch 'Realplayer : If you leave...' I wear the headphones. It is the first song that G dedicated to me. We love it and we mean it. Decide against switching off the cellphones and come to my blog.

It would be so hard for me to not talk to G. It was probably one of my terrible mood swings and phases where I get extremely pessimistic about my relationship and start finding cracks where it is hard to find. I broke up with my ex a billion times in four years because of my same attitude. He finally got engaged when I last broke up with him and vanished from his life without saying anything.

I do not want to make the same mistake. I love him a little too much than my capacity allows. It really is 'unconditional'. Even though he sounds like my father allot of times (Yes, I am not one of those girls who like to marry men like their fathers. My father is a great guy, by the way.), I will still marry him. And if he hurts me no, I'll sit on him and kill him with my weight. JERK! ASSHOLE! SWINE! BUGGER!

I hate him, I swear!

BITCH!

I love you G! If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me...

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. : I still need time off. I still need a break from him. But not now. I am enjoying being the 'woman in love'.

ZZzzzzz....??

2008-10-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

For my extremely few and beautiful regular readers, "If you thought I was dead or was busy shopping for Diwali, you are fairly right. I am broke to the extent I still have not paid my friend Rs. 300/- that I had to for a top up, but I am so bored that I could be dead."

G and I have had phone sex exactly four times in a month since I have come back. He says, "We have grown up." Are we heading for a break up, here?"

I finally saw a porn clip yesterday. It was my second. Saw the first with G. Once, P and I had decided we will watch porn. It has confused us our entire life, why are men so hooked to porn and women hate it. P had seen porn before and had read a lot of soft porn stories. We tried. Googled "Porn". Clicked on the first link. Alot of thumbnail pictures came on the screen. They WERE disgusting. Pictures of clitorises. Funny how most women are grossed out by pictures of female porn stars (do not know about the male ones ;) ) and men on the other hand find it equally or more sexually stimulating. P and I closed the page without even letting the entire page open up. I felt like an arsehole for some days, "WTF! I became an adult long back and I have still not watched porn." That, was the only reason why I wanted to watch porn. Have seen two video in the past one year, since I had tried for the first time. I seem to have no opinions about them anymore. Makes me feel like a 20 year old man, 'normal'.

I just opened my Facebook account. Saw G's ex's picture. She is on my list. She is a fucking attractive woman. G loved her to no extent. They broke up because of her parents. She and G got in touch recently. She was the only friend of G, whom I met on my trip. She seemed extremely sweet too. We got along well. She is on my 'friends list'. But it pricked when G went over to her place for an evening with friends. I tried not to let him know that. But I finally did, after a week. He going to her plac, hanging out with her, staying with her till 3 a.m., going for a long walk at 2 may not have hit me the way her constantly telling him how happy she is to have him back in his life, did. After knowing, where she comes from, it is understandable. She is new in the city and unhappy. Finding an old close friend makes you feel good. I understand. I am okay with it. I have no 'ex' issues. But, it made me uncomfortable somewhere. This was the first issue between G and I, where I let out my thoughts to a friend before telling him. The friend thought I was being insecure. She is gorgeous - I am fat. H probably loved her more. She knows him better than I do. They are in the same city. I am not. Yet, there were no insecurities. I would like to believe I am way above all of this. G agrees, "We are way above all of this... The fact that the two of us can discuss something as sensitive as this so casually proves that." A strange assurance was felt. Not like I needed it, or so I assumed. G - "Are we good?" ME - "We are brilliant." And shall remain despite him getting a hard on 5-6 times a day.

"I am very sweet."
"No. You are fat."
We argue over that for over 10 minutes.
"You will never reach 55."
"Good. Atleast that would lead to a break up. Let us divorce now, only."
"No. You become 55 and then I will divorce you."
We argue for another 10 minutes.
"You are forgetting. The contract says, 'we have to have break up sex'."
"No. Because that break up would lead to make up sex then break up then make up. It will become a cycle and we would turn into the typical couples, then."
"What color panties are you wearing?"
"Pink."
"I got a hard on. (laughs) From where, I don't know."
"What is wrong with you? How the hell do you manage that?"
"I get a hard on 5-6 times a day."
Jaws dropped. Silence.
"What?? Don't be scared. I do not help myself every time. If I did, I'd be dead."
"What are you talking, G? 5-6 times!?" The mouth is still open wide in shock.
"All guys get it around 2-3 times everyday. I am among the more sexually active brigade. We are called sex addicts. But I do not think I am an addict."
"Do we have loyalty issues here?"
"No. If I was an addict I would have had a girl for sex here, not a long distance relationship with you. Sex addicts are averse to relationships."
"Okay..."
"Look. You do not have to be so shocked. If a man is free, on a holiday or has nothing on his mind, he gets a hard on."
"WTF!"
We ROFL.
"I am brilliant. What a pervert thought 'When a man has nothing to do, he gets a hard on.'"
We can not stop laughing now.
"Don't worry, I will not act up on you every time I get a hard on."
"Then who?"
"No one."
"Good. Good."
"But I will try, if there is no reciprocation, then I can not force you."
"Yes. Because if you do, you will be slapped and jailed."
"Fine. I will not let you touch me, only."
"OH MY GOD! Look at what this guy is saying..."
"Yeah right. Men are born to take 'I will not let you touch me' from women but men can not give that to women."
Laughs.
Come to think of it. Isn't it so true? LOL! Poor male species.
"Want to have sex, without cuddling?"
"It is such a give and take for you men, isn't it? You get sex so you give cuddling."
"Obviously."
"Swine."
"Coming?"
"There is no reciprocation."
"Okay then, Bye."
"Okay. Bye."
"What ya...? Why are you getting angry now?"
"Like I have nothing better to do in life, than to be angry with you."
"You are eating up all my Prison Break time. You are eating up my work time. Bloody Bitch!"
"You only gave me that 'chick' type Bye earlier which re started the whole conversation."
"Once a Bitch, always a Bitch!"
"Yes and G is a living example."
"What are you going to do, now?"
"I am answering that for the fourth time, now. Nothing!"
"Do something no. Why do you not want to do anything?"
"Alright G, Bye!"
"What ya?"
"Good Lord! You are boring me to no extent now. Bye ya!"
"Okay. Bye bye!"

We hang up. G has fulfilled his duty of making me laugh everyday, for today.

Love 'n' Peace.

Kisses.